close

Space junk

3 min read

I have always been curious about flying saucers. I have seen some strange things in my lifetime, but I’m not sure I ever saw a UFO.

I bet you’re wondering: How do you NOT know if you’ve ever seen a spaceship? It’s simple, really. Just because I couldn’t identify an object, doesn’t mean it was an unidentifiable object in the first place. There’s a lot of stuff I can’t identify. That doesn’t mean it comes from outer space. I don’t know what that gelatinous goop is you get when you open a canned ham. That doesn’t mean it’s from beyond the solar system. Though, it might be.

Side note: While I have never seen a flying saucer, I have seen a flying teacup. I almost threw up on one in Disneyland. Spinny rides are nauseating.

But I digress, like I do. One time in Palm Springs, I thought I saw a UFO. I was sitting on the patio of a house in the desert. It was a beautiful home on a golf course. The table was made out of plastic that resembled glass.

Additional side note: The patio table was plastic, because the glass one was destroyed by a golf ball. That happens frequently to patio furniture parked outside homes built on golf courses.

I was sitting on the aforementioned (much mentioned) patio table with my friend Henry. After an aperitif or two we spent an unusually long time staring at lights hovering over a nearby mountain. The light seemed to hover a few feet above the top of the mountain. There’s a good chance we were staring at a radio tower. There’s an even better chance that we were drunk. However, Henry will tell you it was a UFO. I will tell you it was something. I just don’t know what it was. People already think I’m crazy. I don’t need to give them additional evidence.

Even though I’ve seen a lot of science fiction movies, I don’t know what I would do if I met a space person. I would like to meet a nice alien like Klaatu or E.T. I would not like to meet the Predator or one of those things that comes bursting out of John Hurt’s tummy.

I wonder how they figured out how to get here? I can’t even figure out how to get to the airport with all the construction in Coraopolis (orange cones as far as the eye can see).

I would like to think they live in paradise. But, once again, if it’s so great where they come from – why would they leave in the first place?!

If I did meet a space person, I would like to ask them a few things, assuming they spoke English. I hope they speak English, because my one semester of French probably won’t help.

“Je m’appelle Michael, Monsieur Spaceman.”

I’d like to ask them, “What is the meaning of life?”

Only I’m afraid they would say, “We came here to find that out!”

CUSTOMER LOGIN

If you have an account and are registered for online access, sign in with your email address and password below.

NEW CUSTOMERS/UNREGISTERED ACCOUNTS

Never been a subscriber and want to subscribe, click the Subscribe button below.

Starting at $3.75/week.

Subscribe Today