Mar 1, 2018 4 min read

Q.Like a lot of parents these past weeks, I’ve been talking with my sons about safety in their school. I’ve told them they need to tell an adult if someone talks about guns or shooting in school. Imagine my shock when my 15-year-old said, “I can’t do that, Mom. It would be like snitching.” Then, my 13-year-old said, “Like a tattle-tale.” Help!

– Frightened Parent

Mary Jo’s response: Reading your email gave me hope. As a parent, you are on the front line of the education needed to improve school safety. Thank you for teaching your sons!

Our culture imprints us with a desire to maintain loyalty. We create a culture of silence. We pride ourselves in keeping secrets, especially ones from friends. Young people become increasingly connected to peers as they mature; this development prepares them for independent living as they grow. A “snitch” or “tattle-tale” label is negative. Ethical decisions for the good of the whole may need to alter cultural scripts. In other words, the well-being of the group outweighs loyalty to one person.

School shootings force young people to make a choice. They need to think critically and consider the facts. Protecting themselves and their classmates means they need to speak up. Teens may keep quiet out of fear – will they be blamed for telling, will they be believed by adults, will other teens judge them, will they lose a friendship? The reality is four out of five school shooters revealed their plans ahead of time, but no one reported the threats.

Another common concern is a phenomenon called the bystander effect. Research shows a tendency to do nothing when others do not intervene. The feeling that someone else will step up is well established in bullying prevention education. When an entire lunch table overhears a potential shooter and no one speaks up, it’s human nature to stay silent. We need to teach our children to do the right thing, even when it is difficult.

Teach your sons the definition of a credible threat, as well. Social media enhances gossip, and rumors become viral. We should all be aware of postings and the harm they can do.

Reinforce who you are – a trusted, calm adult who will not overreact or assign blame – then, be that person! Articulate the obvious to your sons: “You can protect your friends and yourself. It’s right to speak up when danger is involved. Tell a trusted adult at school. Tell me. I’ll listen to you. I’ll believe you. Come to me first if you’re worried you won’t be believed at school.”

Fear can be incapacitating. Channel your fear into action. Be involved in your sons’ school. Get to know their teachers and the school administration. Create community. Be part of discussions on school safety. Model calm responses, not panic. Avoid social media and go directly to school administrators with any possible threats. Thank you for your proactive response to a frightening situation.

Peer Educator response: Teens shouldn’t be afraid to speak up. Being thought of as a tattle-tale is so much better than seeing classmates die or be injured. No one should witness that, so we all need to do what we can to prevent it.

One of us was in a similar situation once. Being afraid for your life and the lives of your peers is difficult. You need to think things through. Sure, no one wants to be thought of as a snitch, but the idea of being a snitch has boundaries. For instance, if someone was making silly faces behind a teacher’s back and you told the teacher, you might be considered a snitch. If you’re potentially saving kids’ and teachers’ lives, you’re a hero. Teens who speak up should be honored. Don’t be afraid to do what’s right because you’re worried about how people might react or their comments. Do the right thing in the right way. Tell an adult, don’t post it on Snapchat!

It’s very sad that adults need to have these discussions with kids, but they do. You’re a great parent because you’re talking openly with your sons. Keep doing what you’re doing.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.