Mar 8, 2018 4 min read

Q.My best friend broke up with her romantic partner after three years together – 10th to 12th grade. Their relationship became sexual senior year. They went to different colleges. The breakup was tough for my friend. When they broke up, she asked her ex-partner to avoid a relationship with another of our friends. I don’t know what was promised, but I know that her ex has moved on to that particular friend. My best friend hasn’t been home from college but will be back this summer. She’ll find out. Do I tell her now to avoid hurt when she discovers what’s happening? Or, do I keep silent? I’d like to protect her.

-18-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Relationships nearly always raise challenges. You have a dilemma; what is your responsibility as her friend? What is the right thing to do?

Ethical dilemmas raise questions. I’m going to ask you several questions and offer you thoughts, but the decision is yours. I won’t make this choice for you. You are old enough to think critically and examine all sides.

• Is your friend’s life your business? Is there a line between gossip and protecting your friend? Are you spreading rumors if you tell her? If you share this information, your friend may be hurt. She may be hurt this summer, as you said. Will the hurt be less if she hears this information now?
• If you decide to share this information, will she receive support? She’s at college, hopefully focusing on studying. She’s away from the support of family and friends. Consider timing carefully.
• As much as you care about your friend, have you considered the reality of her situation? You say you don’t know what was promised. It is possible her ex never agreed to her demand to avoid a relationship with your mutual friend. Do people have power over past partners? Should they? After a breakup, people try to move on. Relationships teach us lessons about the type of long-term partner we may select. Yes, this information may be hurtful to your friend, but she needs to acknowledge her ex-partner’s right to make choices They are no longer together.

Ethical decisions are seldom easy. Do the right thing because it is the right thing. Weigh the consequences of your actions. Think of your motivation. Will spreading drama add to your friend’s angst? Can you offer her support when she does discover her ex-partner’s new relationship?

Protecting those we love from emotional trauma may not be possible, but offering support and listening to their pain is the mark of good friendship. Be there for her, now and in the summer. Good luck with a tough decision.

Peer Educator response: This is a personal choice. Some of us would tell our friend. Others would stay out of it. She could be angry if you don’t tell her. A few of us would want to know in her situation. If you do tell her, ease into the conversation. Don’t abruptly bring it up. It’s all about what you feel is best to do. Think about how your friend will react and if she’ll be OK at school if she receives this information now. Only you know what is best for you. Handle it in the way you think is best. Be honest. If you tell her, be clear about why you shared. If you don’t tell her, and she is angry when she finds out, tell her you wanted to wait to talk with her when she was home.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.