Mar 19, 2018 5 min read

St. Paddy’s Day’s over, and spring is just around the corner! Time for our first Readers News Quiz of 2018.

Twitch.tv, which offers live streaming of people playing video games, seems to have proof that the game of chess need not be slow-moving and lacking in spectator appeal. As reported by Topic.com, Twitch’s “Chessbrahs” (developed by a Canadian) offers live streaming of chess matches. But – according to Topic.com – rather than being forced to watch hours of nearly stationary opponents staring at a board, viewers might be treated to “chairs thrown amid a torrent of f-bombs, freestyle rapping mid-game, and a never-ending barrage of trash talk … set to the soundtrack of dance music.” Exciting, eh? That’s right, hoser! With this in mind, what other seemingly boring activities might Twitch consider airing?

1. Benjamin Moore’s Action Paint Drying
2. Scott’s Turf Builder Extreme Grass Growing
3. Celebrity Death Match Water Boiling
4. 60 Years of State of the Union Addresses
5. Pittsburgh Pirates Baseball

Staying with sports: During the offseason, the Pirates disappointed fans by trading away outfielder Andrew McCutchen and ace pitcher Gerrit Cole. The team also is faced with the problem of who to play at third base. What players has team GM Neal Huntington made inquiries about so far?

1. Willie Mays
2. Willie Nelson
3. Johnny Depp (already experienced as a pirate)
4. A cardboard cutout of Don Hoak
5. Zombie Pie Traynor

What almost spoiled President Trump’s visit to San Diego on Tuesday to view prototypes of his highly touted border wall?

1. A prototype wall built three feet away by Mexico to keep Americans out was higher.
2. American prototypes were found to be constructed with Chinese steel.
3. “Concrete” used in sample walls was found to be hardened nacho cheese supplied by a deli in Juarez.
4. Walls weren’t quite finished because Attorney General Jeff Sessions had deported 1,000 American construction workers, thinking they were illegal aliens.
5. A Mexican family on pogo sticks bounced over one of the barriers while the president was speaking.

Also while in San Diego, the president floated the idea of establishing a “space force” of United States military because “Space is a war-fighting domain, just like the land, air and sea.” In a draft of his comments (obtained by CNN), the president was to have proposed what other ideas?

1) A “space wall” to keep illegal extraterrestrials out. And Mars will pay for it!

1. A set of “extreme vetting” questions for aliens who wish to enter Earth’s atmosphere legally. (Samples: Do you want to vaporize Earth using your Illudium Q-36 Space Modulator, suck away our atmosphere or drain our oceans to replenish those of your dying planet? Do you hate us because of our freedoms? Has your bag been in your possession the whole time?)
2. Ex-Secretary of State Rex Tillerson to be stationed on Pluto to try diplomacy first.
3. Every household worldwide to be supplied with American-built, arm-flailing robots that will shout, “Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!” at the first sign of invasion.
4. Every male on Earth must change name to Will Robinson.

Wrapping up a yearlong investigation into alleged Russian meddling in the 2016 U.S. presidential election, House Republicans produced a 150-page report asserting that there was no collusion between the Trump campaign and the former Soviet Union. What other things did Republicans decide while reaching this conclusion?

1. The sun revolves around the Earth.
2. Richard Nixon knew nothing about Watergate, which was proven in the 18 minutes missing from his Oval Office tapes.
3. South never seceded before North launched Civil War: Fake news!
4. 1969 moon landing was a diversion staged by Barack Obama’s mother to divert attention from his missing birth certificate.
5. Actually, some people don’t like Sara Lee.