Mar 22, 2018 6 min read

Q.I find it strangely comforting that I’m turning to you after all these years. You taught me sex ed – actually, you taught me so much more than sex ed – over 20 years ago. I wasn’t sure I wanted to get married. My parents’ very unhappy marriage scarred me. You often listened to me when I was a teen. Now, here I am, in my late thirties, and I’ve fallen deeply in love with a wonderful man. He’s asked me to marry him, and I’ve accepted. Why am I reaching out to you now? He has a 10-year-old son. The boy reminds me of me when my parents divorced. He’s angry. His mom left when he was only 4 – just up and left for a “new life” – and has never returned. Once in a while she surfaces and promises him all kinds of great things – birthday gifts that never arrive, trips to Disney (I’m not exaggerating, it’s that cliché). When these promises are broken, the boy is quiet and withdrawn for days. I’ve known him for nearly two years and we get along pretty well. I know marrying his dad will mean taking on raising him, and I’m ready for that. But, how do I heal his hurt? How can I connect with him? It took me a long time to allow myself to even consider a long-term relationship. I’d like to help him. Any thoughts? I hear from friends who remained in PA that you’re still going strong. Thank you. Your kindness and respect for young people lasts a long time. I’m living proof.

~ Former student

Mary Jo’s response: Thank you for your kind and generous words. Being validated by someone who knows I teach so much more than sexuality is wonderful. My goals are basic: I hope to empower young people to know their worth, to respect themselves and others and to make healthy choices.

I remember you. Some traumas last a lifetime. I’m pleased you’ve found a partner you can trust. I recently conducted a focus group of fifth- and sixth-graders for the newest book in my Nonnie Series, “Nonnie Talks about Trauma.” School shootings inspired me to write the book. During the discussion, the children did express anxiety about shootings. As our conversation continued, however, I quickly assessed their other fears; the situations aren’t new. For example, the pain of relational aggression, where a child is purposely ostracized or bullied, continues. Tension between parents, or parents and their significant others, loomed large as a primary trauma. As one child said, “I didn’t get to pick my mom’s boyfriend. I can’t stand him, and he’s always in my life.”

I applaud your open heart with your fiancé’s son. You “marry” him when you commit to his father. Here are some thoughts about your unselfish question, gleaned in part from my dialogue with children close to his age.

• Your fiancé’s son is not you. Try not to project your unhappy childhood on him. He will have his own challenges.
• Be open and honest with him. Articulate the obvious. Share how much you want to be a good parent. Tell him you will love and support him unconditionally. Explain unconditional means you won’t judge him but will help him keep the limits his dad and you create to help him mature. He will need those limits. Offer them with warmth. Listen to his side of every situation. Hear him. Respect him. Teach him by your example.
• As difficult as it might be, do not put down his mother in his presence. You are not his mother, even if someday he voluntarily calls you mom. Children often long for a parent’s love, even when the parent is hurtful. Be there to comfort him when he’s hurt, but don’t take the opportunity to speak out against his mom. Simply listen.
• Empower him. Be there when he needs help with homework or he’s sorting out relationships. Honor who he is as he matures and figures out his life. Make good memories with him. Laugh. Don’t take life too seriously. Enjoy time with your new husband and his son. Create a warm, loving family where he feels safe.
• Learn silence. It’s easy to complain about challenges in our lives. If your relationship with him gets rocky, limit your venting to a trusted close friend or a counselor/therapist. Seeing a counselor can help.
• Protect your marriage and keep it strong. The best gift parents give their children is a solid relationship. You know divorce can hurt. If you and your husband need support, seek out a relationship counselor. Fight nice. Disagree with respect. Avoid taking sides about this child.
• An unhappy client once told me, while parenting two teen stepdaughters, “You can’t fix what you didn’t break.” Forgive yourself if things are complicated and challenging. Forgive your husband and his son. Start each day with a hopeful attitude. It may sound cliché, but taking things a day at a time is wise. Perspective is everything.

Stay the course. Your commitment will help you if an initial “honeymoon period” disappears. Your goal is the same as your fiancé’s – you will support and teach and respect this young person as he reaches for adulthood. There is no job more important. Parenting can make you a better person. I have faith in you. May you one day stand at his high school graduation full of pride and share his adult life.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.