Tips on overcoming shyness
Q:How do I overcome being shy and not liking to talk to people?
15-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: Many people feel shy at some point in their lives; when shyness holds a person back from enjoying life, it can become a challenge. Studies show that shyness can lead to social anxiety. A negative cycle can develop. A person may worry about the way people will react in a social situation. This worry can lead to anticipating negative reactions from people; the fear of being rejected can lead to isolation, which can intensify into greater fear and continued avoidance of contact. At first, a shy person may feel relief at staying away from social contact. In time, shyness can lead to self-blame, guilt, and even anger.
Here are some hints to overcome shyness:
1. Think about others. Be curious about other people and listen to them. You don’t need to dominate a conversation to be present. Genuine listening is endearing. Everyone has a story. Once you introduce yourself, sit back and listen.
2. Plan for success. Soften your self-talk. As a counselor, I often suggest young people create a positive scenario mentally and make it happen. Tell yourself you are confident. Positive thoughts can help lower fear. Self-criticism adds to anxiety.
3. Practice talking. Find a trusted adult or friend and learn how to communicate in a safe, one-on-one situation. I play a game called Be There, where two people assign each other the role of Partner A and Partner One (there are no second people in my classes). Each partner takes turns talking about a topic while the other partner listens. The listener may not speak during the activity. I time the conversation; when I ring my bell, the listener reports back to the talker and summarizes what was heard. Then, the partners switch roles. A simple exercise in communication can ease shyness and prepare for social situations.
4. Model positive body language. Look interested. Pay attention. Make intermittent eye contact. Walk tall. Give consensual hugs.
5. Give yourself a role before the encounter. Tell yourself you are in charge of making other people feel welcome or comfortable. Once more, remember life is not only about you.
6. Avoid labels. It’s OK to feel shy, but avoid telling people you are shy. You’re a person of worth. Own your worth.
7. Be mindful. Take deep breaths to lower anxiety. Remember, you don’t need to be liked by everyone. Engage with one or two people and create a comfort zone. Try to do one thing you fear at a time and congratulate yourself with small successes.
Finally, please remember to like yourself. People are all unique. Some love a crowd and want to be the center of attention. Those people are extroverts. They recharge by being with people. Other people need down time and rejuvenate with solitude or in the company of a few good friends or family. Those people are introverts. Both types of individuals are heads of companies, doctors and attorneys, teachers and parents. It’s OK to be who you are. There’s no right way to approach life. Good luck!
Peer Educator response: This is a good question! Whenever some of us are scared to talk to people, we normally find one person that seems to be in the same situation as us. Most of the time somebody else is just as scared as you are. Look for them in a crowd. Maybe together you two can find the courage to talk to even more people. Join us at the Common Ground Teen Center. No one there is forced to interact until they’re ready to engage. Be yourself. Give yourself time to grow.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.