May 29, 2018 3 min read

It’s interesting that with the plethora of problems plaguing our modern world, a trio of Indian neurosurgeons thought it important to investigate exactly why Michael Jackson didn’t fall over.

The doctors, who are based at the Postgraduate Institute of Medical Education and Research in Chandigarh, India, were fascinated by a dance move Jackson displayed way back in 1988 in his video for “Smooth Criminal.” No, not the “moonwalk.”

At roughly the 7-minute mark of the 9-minute video, Jackson and three other male dancers seemingly defy gravity by leaning from the ankles at a 45-degree angle, their backs straight as a nun’s ruler. He repeated the move in live performances. Egad! The man must have made a pact with the devil!

Or nailed his shoes to the floor.

Now, I’m no neurosurgeon: I need help from the National Guard to thread a needle. But Jackson’s clever deception was apparent to me upon first viewing. Of course his shoes weren’t literally nailed to the floor – at least not permanently. Jackson devised – and patented in 1993 – a shoe with a triangular slot in its heel that could engage a metal peg triggered to protrude from a stage floor at the proper time. This information is readily available not only from the U.S. Patent Office, but in stories about Jackson’s stunt that ran as recently as 2016. Why the Indian investigators failed to discover this before grabbing headlines last week, I’m not sure.

The article that details the doctor’s findings gives Jackson credit for having “incredible core strength from the spinal and lower-limb muscles,” including the Achilles tendon. For this, I bow (but only from the waist) to the late King of Pop, having damaged my Achilles several times during the Macarena.

I can appreciate “The Lean,” but I can’t give credit to MJ for inventing it. Charlie Chaplin did the same move in his 1919 film “A Day’s Pleasure.” Jack Haley Jr. leaned not only this way but that way during the Tin Man’s “If I Only Had a Heart” dance in “The Wizard of Oz.” There’s no word on whether Jackson required an oil can to stay supple. I suspect Chaplin and Haley – or their prop masters – used the less sophisticated yet entirely reliable device of nailing the performers’ shoes to the floor with a Sears Best hammer and a few 10-penny nails purchased at the feed store.

So, thanks to the insatiable curiosity of three intrepid men of medicine, you need no longer lie sleepless wondering why Michael’s face didn’t hit the floor, wiping out the roughly $3 billion in facial reconstruction surgery he had in an attempt to resemble Diana Ross.

The neurosurgeons also admitted they are big MJ fans and have attempted The Lean themselves, only to fall over. Note: These are the type of men who you trust to operate on your spine.

Makes me wonder about last year when I was under anesthesia and thought I heard my spinal surgeon say to his assistant, “Nailed it!”