Oct 11, 2018 6 min read

Q.I read your column about sexual assault. It touched me deeply. You answered that 10-year-old so well. I wish I’d known you when I was 10. I’m a male survivor of sexual assault. Sex was never discussed in my home, except crude jokes between my father and his friends. I had no words for what was done to me. I had only fear and shame. It took me over three decades to disclose. I’m still in therapy, off and on. Thank you for addressing this. Can you offer some hints for adults like those in my family? Can you help grownups start conversations with their children about sex? I appreciate it.

I was 10

Mary Jo’s response: Children should be honored, respected and protected. What was done to you was wrong. It wasn’t your fault. Thank you for your courage in connecting with me. It is my honor to do as you request.

Sexual assault can happen to anyone, no matter a person’s ability, age, gender, gender identity or sexual orientation. Male survivors may face unique challenges. Our culture can impose strong feelings of shame connected to masculinity – “Why did you let it happen? Why weren’t you strong enough to fight?” No child has power over an adult. Abuse is never a child’s fault.

As a sexuality educator, I’ve encountered adults who are afraid to talk with their children about sex. The idea of innocence – of a child becoming a different person after learning about sexual health – often prevents open discussions. Knowledge about sexuality empowers; there’s more risk in not teaching children than in telling them too much.

Often people grow to adulthood without formal sex ed; they are uncomfortable talking about sex. Silence is a strong message. Children are more likely to connect with adults if the door to conversation about sexuality is open; grownups are responsible for creating a safe atmosphere of trust where children can ask questions and grow at their own pace. It’s OK for parents and trusted adults to admit they don’t have all the answers. It’s the connection that counts.

As requested, here are some hints for adults:

• Be open-minded. Sexuality is part of what makes us human. Even if we never mention sex, our children grow as sexual beings. Parents are a child’s first and best teachers. Facilitate learning. To facilitate means to make something easy. Make this easy.
• Start young. Sexuality is more than having sex. While it’s never too late to begin, please remember we teach our babies about sexuality from birth, even if we are silent. When we put babies to breast or bathe them, we give messages about bodies and how they are wonderfully made. Most young children touch their genitals. Take off your adult glasses and see through a child’s lens. Little ones also poke fingers in noses and eyes. They’re exploring; they’re appreciating parts of their bodies that feel good. Be gentle and supportive. Teach about private spaces in the home where their touch is OK. Do not shame.
• Teach the correct names for genitals. Many children are taught cute names, some of which are particular to one family. Use penis, testicles, scrotum, butt, vagina, vulva, clitoris – real names for real body parts. Be matter of fact, using a tone no different from the one you use when you name eyes, noses, ears, elbows and other body parts. My friend and colleague Pam Wilson wrote to be aware of the music behind our words in her book “When Sex is the Subject.” Your “music” matters.
• Don’t wait for a child’s questions. As trusted adults, we are responsible for setting the stage for learning.
• Be honest if you feel awkward. It’s OK if a parent says, “No one ever talked about my body when I was a child. I want to be the person you talk with about sex and your body. I promise to be here for you.”
• Teach about boundaries and consent. Toddlers are old enough to learn their bodies are their own. Children are curious. Teach the message that touch must have permission. Teach when it is and isn’t OK to touch. Develop an intuitive awareness of consent by modeling respect for a child’s “no” during tickling or rough-housing. Consent is fundamental to sexual expression. Teach consent early.
• Sexuality is more than puberty. Yes, it is important to teach about changes in bodies and hormones and feelings as children reach the ages of 9 to 12, but conversation about their bodies and sexuality should be ongoing from birth. It’s not a “talk” as much as a lifelong conversation. Teach respectful behavior online. Help them make sense of social media.
• Be approachable. Parents and trusted adults can be a refuge where a child can disclose unwanted touch without fear of judgment.
• Honor diversity through body awareness, acceptance and inclusion. Say “some people have penises, some people have vulvas.” Gender is more than body parts. All people’s bodies are OK.
• Model worthiness. “Each person is a person of worth” means we are worthy at birth. Honor each child’s uniqueness. The child developmental theorist Urie Brofenbrenner said, “Somebody’s got to be crazy about that kid.” Love your whole child unconditionally and let your child lead you.
• Model respect. Emerson said, “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying.” Children watch us.

I wrote a book on child abuse prevention education in 2010. “Inside Out: Your Body is Amazing Inside and Out and Belongs Only to You,” is an interactive book for children and adults. It’s available on Amazon and by emailing me. I’m also an authorized Darkness to Light Stewards of Children facilitator. Anyone can connect with me about trainings for adults about abuse prevention.

Again, thank you for your kind words and for reaching out.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.