Sep 24, 2018 3 min read

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep. My body doesn’t have to be up until 6:30, but my brain is wide awake. No one can tell my head what to do. It’s like my mind has a mind of its own.

I’ve got to get my beauty rest. When you look like this, rest is the only thing that can help.

It occurs to me I could get up, go to the gym, ride the bike for an hour and then get ready for work. The odds of that happening are pretty slim, which is why I am not pretty slim – or slim at all. I am envious of those toned individuals who can get up and do athletic things before work, like working out, jogging or making smoothies.

Making smoothies takes time and energy that I don’t have in the a.m. You’ve got to clean all those fruits and vegetables.

Only work gets me up in the morning. I need the threat of losing my job to coax me out of bed. When I retire, I’ll probably just slip into a coma. A bunch of dwarves will have to watch over me while I await “true love’s kiss.”

This is irksome because I’ve always been very good at one thing: sleep. I never even get to the second sheep. I count one ewe and I’m out.

I think turning to the perfect position will induce slumber. I toss here and turn there. It does not help. Instead, my pillowcase slips from the pillow and gets bunched up under my shoulder blade. I’ve just made things worse.

I rearrange the covers. I even do the one leg under and one leg on top thing. That doesn’t work.

Someone forgot to turn off my mental spigot. Thoughts are just flowing out of me. It’s mostly daily garbage mixed with some wild, wacky stuff.

For instance, there are two types of camels, one hump and two humps. As far as I can tell there is only one kind of giraffe. Why is that? Shouldn’t there be some short-neck giraffes running around to get at the low-hanging acacia leaves?

If all the cars in “Cars” act like people, who built them? The cars are driving and the planes are flying, but there are no people. Everything is built for people who aren’t there. Was there some sort of apocalypse that wiped out humanity and turned the vehicles sentient? It gets scarier the more you think about it.

Does Lightning McQueen buy car insurance or life insurance?

You always hear about pilots who finish school at the top of their class, but that means that some pilots finish at the bottom of their class. Think about it; in every profession someone is the absolute worst. I don’t want a doctor who squeaked by with a C-minus.

Just as my eyelids get heavy, the alarm goes off. I’ll sleep tomorrow night.