Apr 16, 2019 3 min read

“Avengers: Endgame” is smashing box office records before it even arrives in theaters later this week, and I am very excited.

I got to thinking, like I do, which superpower would I want?

I like to cheat at this game. I want all of the powers.

When someone poses the question, “A genie grants you one wish, what do you wish for?” I always say, “A thousand wishes.” Then, they pose the question again with the caveat, “It can only be one wish.”

I say, “I wish for omnipotent power so I can grant my own wishes.”

I’m never going to pick one superpower.

I always dream about flying. In real life, flying is impractical for me. I’m the guy who has to close his windows on the highway because I don’t like the wind on me. I’d only be able to fly when it was above 75 degrees. I’d be less reliable than the airlines. Sure, I’d love to take off for the beach whenever I want, but without money what do I do when I get there? I need a superpower with some financial stability.

I need the ability to pick tomorrow’s Mega Millions number, but seeing into the future is only good when the future is good. After I get the lottery tickets, I’d be ready to move on. I don’t want to see any bad stuff.

I’d love to be bulletproof, but you only find out that you’re bulletproof if people shoot at you. Pass.

Super strength would be nice, but it would also be a burden. It’d be like owning a pickup truck; everyone would ask you to come by and move their couch.

If I were the Hulk, and got big and green when I got angry, I’d never be able to drive into the city again. “Mike smash puny drivers who don’t use left turn signals!”

Besides, if I’m super strong would I have to fight crime? That also sounds labor intensive. Unless I get the indestructible thing, I’m not doing it.

Being the world’s greatest archer, swordsman or kickboxer isn’t going to help you against a semi-automatic weapon. These days, very few criminals want to swordfight their way out of a bank heist.

I don’t want to shrink like Ant-Man. That sounds like a nightmare. Who wants to say things like, “From this perspective, that stink bug looks like a Volkswagen.” That’s a hard pass.

Growing to giant size would suck, too. I already have weight issues. I don’t want to be bigger. Besides, where do you find the right size pants when you’re 50 feet tall and a thousand inches around the waist?

I’d want to be Thor. You get the flight, the strength and lightning powers. I wouldn’t complain if I looked like Chris Hemsworth.

What I want is the ability to fly anywhere I want, get a room at a five-star hotel, eat fancy meals and date models. I don’t want to be Iron-Man; I just want to be Tony Stark.