Dec 6, 2019 4 min read

You can’t watch television this time of year without having deep wells of patience. Holiday ads are plentiful, and before getting back to your show, you have to endure long commercial breaks.

The farmer and I were watching a documentary about wildlife above the Arctic circle, and we counted nine commercials in one break. Frustrated, he started clicking around to other channels.

And landed on a Christmas movie. You know the ones, the cheesy, lazy, made-for-TV movies that crawl out of the flat screens by the dozens this time of year. You need watch only one to know the plots of all the rest of them.

A pretty enough but well-coiffed 35ish woman leaves the high-powered job in the big city to return to her charming hometown to solve a problem brought on by the death of a beloved senior citizen, usually her grandmother. This problem involves a quaint business the grandmother had owned – a country inn, a bakery, a flower shop or a diner. (Why these women never have to return to rescue a dry cleaner or gas station is beyond me, but the producers of next year’s crop might consider that.)

The Big City Girl, named Alison or Katherine, can’t believe she’s trapped in this small town. I mean, they don’t even have a Starbucks here! Still, she rolls up the sleeves of her designer jacket and gets to work rescuing the bakery/country inn/flower shop. By the first commercial break, we know she has a special someone back in the big city, a man named Troy or Elliot who probably works on Wall Street because he is shown wearing an expensive suit and walking quickly while talking to her on the phone. It plays like a soliloquy as he strides purposely through his office, telling her to come back to the city.

Enter Flannel Man. In Christmas movies, he is the handyman or carpenter or baker who is the central-casting opposite of Suit Man. Flannel Man’s name is Justin or Sam and he shows up right when Big City Girl is having a really bad day (“I got cupcake icing in my hair!”) and makes things better, in the way only flannel men can do, by repairing or building something. I am a Flannel Man girl.

The movie the farmer and I watched followed that basic plot, except Allison/Katherine was sent to the charming town to shut down an LL Bean-like store and fire all the workers. Flannel Man was the store manager, and Suit Man was played by the yellow-eyed thug who bullied Ralphie in “A Christmas Story.”

“That’s Scut Farkus!” I exclaimed to the farmer. “Scut Farkus!”

What fun the farmer and I had calling out the plot points long before they happened. Would Big City Girl come to respect the small-town people? Would she return to the cold but rich arms of Suit Man? Would she save the store? Would she ever find a decent vanilla bean mocha cappuccino in this town? Would Flannel Man finally melt her cold, big-city heart?

You know the answers. And yes, it wouldn’t be a Christmas movie if it didn’t end with the townspeople gathering in the square to sing carols while wearing festive hats and scarves. The mayor will be the one wearing the reindeer antlers.

Speaking of reindeer, we never did find our way back to the Arctic circle documentary. Once Flannel Man enters the picture, you have to stay with it long enough to see how it all ends.

Answer: under the mistletoe with a kiss, of course. Poor Scut Farkus.