Grow and learn from mistakes
Q. I think I made a huge mistake. I broke up with my girlfriend right after graduation. We’re going to colleges in different states. Everyone from my parents to my friends were saying it would be best to break things off now. I tried to be kind. You know that thing people say about staying friends? It didn’t work for me. She got so upset. She cried and called me names. After a week I realized how much I missed her. I tried to connect. She got even madder. Then she blocked me on everything so I can’t even connect. Is there a chance I can get her back, do you think? My dad says this was just puppy love and I’ll forget her. What if I don’t want to forget her? My best friend says I need to be a man and get over it. Why does manhood need to be connected to a lack of feelings? How can I undo this huge mistake?
– 18-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: Mistakes are part of living. What matters is how we grow and learn from them. It took courage to write to me; thank you for your trust.
Life is a continuum; in time, we may perceive past relationships through a different lens. This breakup may not seem like a mistake when you look back on it. If she still matters to you over time, you may want to return to her. For now, I think you need to respect her wishes.
Right now, you’re in emotional pain. Breakups hurt. It’s a stereotype that men feel less pain when a relationship ends. Feelings are universal and human. Your feelings after this breakup do not define who you are or threaten your manhood, they simply are emotional reactions to this life change. Manhood isn’t connected to a lack of feelings. People react to life in their own ways.
We often invest a lot of time and emotional labor into a relationship. When it ends, we can feel lost and adrift. Since you initiated this breakup, you feel responsible. Staying friends after a relationship ends is rare. It’s possible it’s too soon to try again for friendship. Time can change things. By your first college break you both may feel differently. Please try to move forward in college, learning and growing.
I respect your dad. Most adults believe love and relationships in high school are trivial. I see these relationships differently. Love is an emotion, it is intangible, and its definition varies from person to person and experience to experience. If people say they’re in love, I believe them. Love can be mature and immature, however. Immature love is self-directed, where the partners are interested in what can be gotten from the relationship. Mature love is other-directed, where the partners are concerned for one another’s well-being. Age does not determine maturity in a relationship.
It doesn’t sound as if rekindling your relationship is likely, especially if you can’t connect. Respect her desire and do not stalk her. I know this is hard, but badgering someone seldom results in a positive relationship, except in sit-coms.
Stop at our Common Ground Teen Center (92 N. Main Street, Washington) and hang out. The distraction might help. We’re open Monday through Friday, from 3 to 7 p.m. Good luck.
Peer Educator response: We think you should wait it out and see what happens. It’s best not to press it, and doing so may make things worse. If it’s meant to be, she’ll realize she misses you too, and she’ll connect with you. She’s aware of your feelings and will be able to make a judgment based on that. I think it’s good you expressed your feelings. Of course men have feelings! Some of us are guys and we don’t think manhood has anything to do with how we feel. We would give her time to express her feelings, too, and respect them. We hope all works out for you.
Q. Should I break up with my boyfriend before we go to college? First of all, you need to know I’m gay. My parents know and they’re supportive. His parents know and ditto. I’m ready for new adventures. We’re both excited about college. I hadn’t even considered what a long distance relationship would be like, until my mom asked me the other day, “Are you two together because our town is so small and there aren’t very many people like you?” Her question was innocent, but it really made me think. We’re kind of like the poster gay couple in my small community (we’re not from your area, but one of my best friends knows you and told me you were safe). Could we be staying together because everyone expects us to?
– 18-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: I’m glad you were told I’m safe. I am.
Relationships are both universal and unique. Sharing your orientation doesn’t alter my response in any way, although I am pleased you and your boyfriend have parental support.
Only you and he know if a long distance relationship would be challenging, and you may not realize how challenging until you try it. Couples often break up before they leave for college. Some people are happy about that choice and others regret it. Communicate openly with your partner and listen to hear his thoughts. Be respectful and kind.
You mention being a poster couple. I see that concept more than you might think. A few years ago, a couple came to me for support after they split. She was a popular cheerleader. He was a popular football quarterback. They realized they were together because, as they put it, “people think we should be.” Relationships based on what others perceive may have a shaky foundation.
Relationships are best if they are committed to what the partners need, not what others expect of them. Once more, talking helps. Be honest. It’s possible to be seen as a poster couple and be very happy!
Enjoy college!
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.