Apr 16, 2020 5 min read

Q. Here’s my question: What is wrong with people?

I’m a senior. The end of my senior year is ruined – no prom, no final goodbyes, no closure, no musicals and plays, no track, no baseball, no cheerleading, no golf. No nothing. I’m angry. Sometimes I’m flat out depressed. I feel helpless and frustrated.

So, all of a sudden, Facebook is lit up with senior pictures of people who graduated in the past. The copy reads something like, “In solidarity with…” or “in support of…” the class of 2020 and they’re posting their pictures.

How does this support me or my classmates?

I get to see their happy pictures of their own graduations. Something the class of 2020 lost. And the people who post? They get to see likes and loves and comments about how great they looked then. Again, how does that help us? I guess people meant well, but wow, this whole share your senior picture thing only ticked me off and made me feel worse. I think it’s egocentric and without empathy.

I read your post to our class on Facebook and it was on target. You discussed our losses and you offered nonjudgmental support. I’m not surprised. You taught me since my sixth-grade year and you were always there, offering respect, telling us we are worthy. Can you please respond to my long message and repeat here what you posted on Facebook for my class? Because it’s a whole lot better than seeing people’s senior pictures. Thanks for always being there.

18-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: I sat in silence for a bit when I read your message. Your pain leaps from the page. How I wish there was a way to change things.

An autistic child said, “I wish I had a time machine so we could go back to before this.”

I put his words in my “Nonnie Talks about Quarantine” book because they are so real and so sad.

As per your request, here is the Facebook post to which you refer: To all high school seniors … I ache with you. It’s not fair. It’s not OK. It will reshape you, if you seek wisdom from the experience, but right now it’s totally fine to be angry, disappointed, frustrated, helpless and any other emotion you feel. Losing your last months of your last year will be a grief process. You may go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, finally … acceptance. I love and support you.

I’m planning a virtual graduation party – which will not be adequate, but I hope will let you know how much you are worthy and how much you are loved.

I hear your concern over the senior picture posts. I do believe people had/have good intentions when they post them. Adults feel helpless and frustrated, too. I’m glad you were able to articulate your feelings. Your emotions are valid. Perhaps your words will cause people to pause before they assume an action is helpful to all.

One of my deep tenets, from nearly 50 years of serving young people, is to seek teen input before creating programs or writing curricula. My papa told me he was offended by people who thought they knew what Italian-Americans needed, without asking Italian-Americans.

One group should not devise a program for another without bringing the people we seek to serve to the table. I’ve never held an important, decision-making meeting without including teens. When I was president of the Pennsylvania Coalition to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, I even added teens to the board of directors.

Young voices matter.

Each senior is unique and worthy; let’s talk about stress. The class of 2020 is dealing with a lot. How you react to this crisis does not, in my opinion, reflect on the depth of your character – you’re a work in progress, just like me – or your courage. Fear is real. Anger is real. Frustration is real. Sorrow is real. None of these emotions defines you.

I want to offer you connections to help you cope with stress – through our twice-daily zoom meetings, by connecting with your classmates, by talking with trusted adults and by reaching out to teachers and faith leaders and even counselors if your feelings of depression intensify. Feel free to continue connecting with me.

What will come from this crisis, I think, is your resilience and the resilience of your classmates.

Consider my parents’ generation – buffeted by the Depression and the Second World War. Those experiences shaped their reactions to life. This crisis will be one defining moment in the class of 2020’s life story, but only one moment.

You will move past this, you will succeed, you will excel and you will find your path. For now, even though I know it sounds cliché, try to take it a day at a time. Projection and “what-ifs” can spiral out of control. When your negative feelings are really strong, take this a moment at a time. Break the day into small pieces and cope.

I have faith in you. You’re not alone. You’ve got this.

Peer educator response: Thank you. Those of us who are seniors agree with you. There’s no point in posting those graduation pictures. Those people didn’t lose the last months of their senior year or their graduation ceremony. If people want to support us, they should listen. They should hear us. We’ve also encountered negativity from younger teens. We’ve been accused of not shaking it off and moving on. Only we can know our own feelings. Depression isn’t shaken off. Listen to MJ. If sadness becomes deeper, please reach out for help.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.