Apr 23, 2020 6 min read

Q. I’ve lost the love of my life. We met online right after school closed. No, this was not catfishing. We saw each other daily over FaceTime. We talked three or four times a day. He got me. He was my everything. And, now he’s gone forever. I’m sad. My dad says I need to get over it. How can I do that? He was my one and only.

15-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: The need to connect with another person is very real. This pandemic affects each person differently. It seems you found another person at the start of a lonely period. Your relationship filled your days and gave you someone to talk with about your life. This person cared about you. I understand why you miss him.

Some adults frown on online relationships. I believe there are pros and cons. I recommend caution. I think young people should share online connections with parents and trusted adults. Not all people are who they say they are online. Staying safe is important.

It does sound as if your online relationship was legit. Getting over any positive relationship takes time. Allow yourself space to grieve this loss.

If I told you this person wasn’t your only chance at love, hearing me would be challenging. It’s not the right time.

I do believe there will be other people with whom you will have healthy, positive relationships, but thinking about the future now won’t ease your pain.

Right now, feel your emotions, keep busy, seek support from family and friends, and take your sadness a day at a time.

There will be a morning when you wake and can see the good and bad in the relationship. I hope this morning comes quickly.

I sought out a former peer educator with a similar online relationship for advice. Perhaps this perspective will help.

Peer Educator Alumni Response: I was in an intense online relationship in ninth grade. It lasted four months.

During that time, I let everything else slide. My schoolwork was OK. I’m an academic, I now have my master’s degree, but my social life suffered. I lost contact with real life friends. My parents were upset and tried to ground me from my computer and phone, but I found ways to connect with my online boyfriend. When he broke up with me, I was devastated.

It took time for me to heal. I also thought he was my one and only. Looking back from my current age, I’m married to a wonderful man and have two children, I know my sorrow was misplaced.

My online boyfriend was someone who filled a place in my life when I was young and afraid to step out of my comfort zone. He wasn’t my everything, but I didn’t know that at the time. I agree with Mary Jo. I understand why you miss him. It will get better, I promise. I should know.

Q. In a virtual relationship, how do you figure out if someone is cheating? I’m sheltering in place, and so is she, so there’s no one physically in her life. I still wonder. Does she talk with anyone else? How do I know if I’m the only person she talks with?

16-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: In any relationship, I believe a conversation about boundaries and limits is important.

Defining cheating is key. Is it OK for one person in the relationship to have a close friend and share vital life events with that friend? Is flirting permitted? Does each person need to be in contact daily? What are the limits of connection with others?

Trust is huge in any relationship. I suggest the same type of conversation with an online relationship as with a face-to-face one. Find out what constitutes cheating from your partner’s perspective and go from there. If you’re unhappy with your partner’s guidelines for trusted behavior, you may need to re-evaluate the relationship.

Peer Educator Response: Only the two people in a relationship can decide what’s cheating and what isn’t cheating. Talk with her.

Q. My mom always harasses me to get out of the house and make friends. I tell her I’m an introvert and I only need a couple of friends to be happy. It’s like she’s got this need to live through me. She told me she was never popular in high school. She never got to go to prom or was invited to a party. I really believe she wants me to have what she didn’t have. But, I don’t want that. Of course, now we’re on lockdown. Does it seem selfish to say that I’m loving this? No, “Honey, why not ask someone to go to the movies,” and “Are there any parties this weekend?” and “How many friends do you have?” How can I make her understand? She seems to think I want what she wants.

14-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: We’re all different. Your mom wants the best for you, but may not understand your feelings. What is best for her is not necessarily what you want in life.

You’re in the house with your mom a lot because of the pandemic. Pick a moment when things are calm, no one is working, you’re not doing school work, and there’s little tension in the house. Ask her to listen to you. Share your feelings. Be honest. She cannot know how you feel if you don’t share.

Good luck. Be who you are … everyone else is already taken.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.