Apr 30, 2020 6 min read

Q. I’m a grandma, a mewmaw. Will you still answer my question? I miss my granddaughter so much I can’t stand it anymore. She’s three. She’s delightful. She runs to me when I visit or when she comes to see me, yelling, “There’s my mewmaw!” My best moments in life are when she cuddles on my lap and I read to her. I miss her more than anything else in my life.

I’m 77 and I don’t have an iPhone, so I can’t do Facetime with her and I don’t understand my computer more than to use it for email. My daughter calls me every day and my granddaughter and I talk, but it’s hard to keep my granddaughter’s attention. I just can’t stand this anymore. She lives five minutes from me, but she might as well be on the other side of the world.

There are times when I think I’d be better off getting COVID-19. At least I could see her before I died. I know I’m high risk. I had lung cancer five years ago and my breathing isn’t always good. But I need to see my baby. What if my cancer returns and I die from it? I’ll have missed all this time with her. Help!

Desperate Grandma

Mary Jo’s Response: Tears came to my eyes when I read your email. I feel deeply for you. I’m a nonnie – a grandma – and my heart hurts when I think of your pain. I miss my grandbabies acutely. I see them via electronic devices, but I want to touch them. I get your angst on a personal level.

I don’t have platitudes for you. I won’t say, “It will get better,” because I know right now is all that matters. I won’t even remind you to take one day at a time, because your fear of dying before this quarantine ends is swallowing your days.

I will offer some hope, with respect, if that’s OK.

My work with children taught me how resilient they are. Little ones are both stronger and more flexible than nonnies and mewmaws. This physical distancing is your little one’s new normal. She’s young. She’s adjusting. I think it’s important for us older folks to adjust, too. I dislike the term “social distancing.” We’re social creatures. While we must be physically apart, we can and should maintain social contacts.

Death is final, my friend. Right now you’re cancer free. I’m glad. Consider how much you want to enjoy your precious granddaughter as she grows. Taking a risk won’t protect you. Staying the course now may buy you time with her later.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Learn how to use Zoom or another face-to-face program on your computer. It’s really not hard, once you get past the intimidation. I’m 70 and I Zoom all the time with teens and with my family. Maybe your daughter could teach you. If not, email me back and I’ll be your “Zoom doula.” I’m a birth doula – a person who gives support during labor and birth. I’ve taught a number of adults how to Zoom and will be happy to support you. I’ll help you download the site, and then Zoom with you. I’ll teach you how to schedule a meeting and open one. It’s free at its most basic program. Use today’s technology to ease your sadness. My family Zooms for meals on special days like birthdays. It’s not the same as being there, but it helps.

2. Once you can see your granddaughter electronically, you can read books to her over Zoom. You can tell her stories. I agree, it is difficult to keep a three-year-old’s attention on a phone call. It helps to see one another. You could even send her cookies or something good you made and watch her enjoy the treats. Try an in-house scavenger hunt, where you give her mom a list of household things for her to find and bring to you. Make up songs and rhythms together. Make silly faces. Count with her. Exercise with her. Share life.

3. I like to send things to my grandkids. It makes me feel closer to them. Even a card is fun for a three year old, but I also send little gifts like coloring books and Play-Doh. Three-year-olds love getting packages. Imagine her delight when she sees a gift from her meemaw. You don’t even need to leave your home. You can purchase something small online and mail it to her.

4. Our adult children bring their little ones to see us. We don’t violate the six-feet rule, but we can talk with them, share a snack by leaving treats at the bottom of our driveway, and watch them play with bubbles or dance or sing. We sit in an open window and enjoy their presence.

5. You could even watch a show with your granddaughter. It’s possible to stream a movie on Zoom and fix it so you’re both seeing the screen. You can hear her laughter and witness her joy. You can be part of her day in a very real way.

6. Finally, ask you daughter to help your granddaughter draw pictures for you. Decorate your refrigerator with them. Let them bring you joy. Meemaws like cards and packages, too.

A three-year-old’s memory is developing. What will she remember of this time in her life? Will she remember how much her meemaw loved her? Of course. Will she also remember how much her meemaw made the best of a challenging time? Helping her seek joy will give you joy as well.

We model for our little ones by our words and our actions. Our actions are powerful. Model a meemaw who loves and misses her, but gives her hope. Talk about the future, the plans you will make, the fun you will have together. Hope also means we stay grounded in the present. Share good feelings and bad moments. Talk and listen to one another. Affirm her worth every day, just like you would without distancing.

Enjoy her, meemaw, anyway you can.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.