Dec 3, 2020 4 min read

Q. COVID-19 makes everything complicated. I have great parents. They divorced last February. They did it in the best way anyone could. They talked with me. They both told me they love me. They said it wasn’t my fault. They offered me counseling. They don’t even bash each other to me. I have a lot of friends whose parents’ divorced and they are being pulled in two directions. Why am I talking to you? Because of COVID-19.

My dad left the area to live in another state right away. My parents have shared custody with holidays. I was with mom for Thanksgiving. Dad gets Christmas. The problem is my mom is afraid for me to fly. To be honest, I’m also afraid. It’s too far to drive. I don’t want dad to think I love him less. I want to stay here. When COVID-19 is better I can go to see him. How do I tell him this?

12-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Your words to me are exactly what you should say to your parents. They sound like people who love you. I doubt they would judge your feelings or mock your anxiety. Your dad seems like the type of father who will not connect you deciding to stay at home with a denial of love. He sounds like a parent who will listen to you and hear your wishes.

You are fortunate. The challenges your friends with divorced parents face are not uncommon. Your parents telling you nothing about the divorce is your fault is huge. Their decision to avoid negative messages about one another is an act of respect. Counseling can be a big help with adjustment; I’m pleased they offered it to you.

Talk with your mom and dad. You already have the words. I hope you can see your dad in person soon. Until then, talk with him virtually and share your life. Connection is important. Good luck and Merry Christmas.

Peer Educator/Alumni Response: You are so lucky. Your parents sound like they really care about you. Most of us wouldn’t fly right now either. Stay home.

Q. I thought I had a good relationship in college. We promised to stay connected when we were sent home last March. Our school did not resume in person classes this fall, so our relationship is now only virtual. I find myself worrying about cheating. How do I know? We stay connected virtually every day. Why am I doubting this? I’ve trusted him from the start. He’s never violated my trust, and he isn’t showing signs of cheating. We’ve been together for two years and plan to marry when we graduate in June of 2022.

21-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Separation can make even healthy relationships challenging. Your college career is disrupted, and you find yourself in uncharted territory where decisions are taken away. Losing control in one part of life can make us want to tighten control in other areas. Anxiety is common. I am deeply concerned about mental health for young people and young adults during COVID-19.

I hope you’re seeking support with family and friends.

Healthy relationships start with mutual respect and communication. The easiest way to ease your doubt is to share your feelings. The more you dwell on an idea of mistrust, the less you’ll be at peace.

Relationships can handle separation.

I know many former peer educators who were forced to be apart from their partners for military service, school, or jobs. Not all relationships will succeed in tough circumstances, but the healthy ones usually make it.

Find a time when neither of you are stressed and are spending time virtually. Share your anxiety without laying blame. Reframe it to articulate how much you miss him. Acknowledge he must be lonely as well. Talk it out.

I hope things improve and you can be together. Making your relationship work during separation will take effort, honesty, trust and courage. If the relationship matters to you both, maintaining it will be worthwhile.

Peer Educator/Alumni Response: You’re creating a problem when none is there. Until you have any signs of him cheating, let go of your doubt.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.