The masked candidate
I’m sick of politics. I hate debates. I can’t stand talking heads telling me what a president or candidate for the office has just said. Watching candidates try to walk the fine line between rationality and demagoguery sickens me.
All this gives me an idea.
“The Masked Candidate.”
Yes, I stole the idea from the show “The Masked Singer.” If you have never seen the show, here’s the concept in a nutshell: A number of people in costume come onstage and sing songs before a panel of celebrity judges. The idea is simple: Because judges can’t see the contestant’s face, they are forced to judge the performance only on the quality of the singing. Anonymous auditions have been used by major orchestras for decades. Candidates are assigned a number and warm up in a room separated from others to keep identities secret. Candidates are called by number, then play behind a screen. This removes the possibility that audition committee members might know the player and be prejudiced, either for or against. Orchestras go so far as to carpet the audition area to remove the possibility that the click of a female musician’s high heels would reveal her gender.
“Masked Singer” judges might be able to guess the singer’s identity based on his or her voice, however. So I would require “Masked Candidate” contestants to use electronic voice processing to alter the voice, Darth Vader-like. The same electronic voice would be used for all candidates. Costumes could not reveal gender or give any hint of the candidate’s identity. Ideally, costumes would make use of platform shoes or other devices to make each candidate the same height.
Each masked candidate would be required to answer questions prepared by a nonpartisan committee that would include “Average Joe” types from all walks of life. Committee members would represent every gender, race, ethnicity and religious affiliation – including atheists and Satanists. Questions would cover every topic of concern to voters: immigration; health care; national security; election tampering; the economy; gun policy; the environment; reproductive rights; unemployment; the federal deficit; taxes; LGBTQ rights. Candidates would be required to identify countries on a world map that uses only outlines of the countries. They would be required to name leaders of countries with which the United States might interact.
They would answer questions in an allotted time and not be permitted to make a statement addressing issues that were not in the questions asked. Candidates would not be allowed to use catch phrases that would reveal identity; they would not be permitted to attack other candidates.
“The Masked Candidate” would run for six weeks. Judges – who would include constitutional scholars, members of Congress and, if possible, a former president from each party – would rate each candidate weekly using their own opinions and the phoned-in votes of viewers. During the course of the season, no candidate would be permitted to say anything in public outside the show that would reveal which candidate wears which costume.
Identities of the candidates would be revealed one week before Election Day.
No winner would be declared, but vote totals would be displayed. There would be no post-debate analysis by “experts.” Voters would have to make up their own minds.
Finally, each “Masked Candidate” episode would be followed by a rerun of “Dragnet.”
Just the facts, ma’am. Just the facts.