Jan 2, 2020 5 min read

Q. I’m sick of people making New Year’s resolutions. Nobody keeps them. People go on diets that last a month at the most. They exercise for two weeks. They try to be kinder to others for a day or two. I’m sick of people saying, “This year I’m going to do better.” Do better right now. It’s really my stepdad who makes me feel this way. Every damn new years we hear how he’s not going to drink again. Does he stop? No. No. No. I’m so mad right now. I’m probably going to follow in his path and mess up my own kids.

– 15-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: When I read your words, I wanted to feed you and listen to you and give you a hug. Your anger is justified. Living with an adult who causes pain to a family is very difficult.

First, and most important, you are not your stepdad. We make life choices every day. Reaching out to me was a choice. You took the first step to a healthy choice by talking about your anger and frustration.

I’d like you to consider your support system. Who stands with you? Do you live with a mom and is she aware of your feelings? Do you have grandparents, aunts or uncles, or even older cousins who can be there for you? Are there trusted adults at school, at your place of worship, among the families of your friends? Turn to these people; find a trusted adult and share what’s happening.

If you’re unsafe at home, please seek help. A few years ago our peer educators did presentations on drug and alcohol use to middle schools. One of the scenarios the peer educators created involved driving drunk. They also talked about getting into a car when a friend is driving and has been drinking. One of the teens in our classes said, “What if the drunk is your parent?” I’ll never forget that moment. We were able to connect with agencies for help for that young person. Please remember you’re not alone.

I also think finding a counselor with whom you connect would help a lot. Your stepdad’s problems with alcohol are not your problems, but they affect you. A counselor can help you sort out your stress and anger. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help. I believe every person should have access to quality counseling. We all need support at times.

Moving away from addiction is challenging. Your stepdad is a different person when he’s drinking. I don’t expect you to excuse his behavior, but I do want to reinforce that abusing alcohol changes people.

Stand strong for who you are. There’s no reason you will follow your stepdad’s path and harm any future children. Let’s continue texting and stay in touch. I’m working to start an Ala-Teen program at our Common Ground Teen Center. Stop in and find support from people your age. We’re open from 3 to 7 p.m. Monday through Friday. We’re located at 92 N. Main Street in Washington.

I connected with a peer educator alumni with a similar adolescence to yours for perspective.

Peer Educator alumni: Both my dad and my stepdad drank. They were both mean drunks. I hid a lot of my feelings. I acted out in school and skipped classes. I showed my anger by cutting.

It took me a long time to realize I was only hurting myself. I started seeing a counselor when I was 16. It’s been 10 years, but I still see her when I’m stressed. Good luck.

Q. Why can’t I keep a New Year’s resolution? Every year I start out great and fizzle out. Last year, I swore I’d lose 10 pounds and exercise every day. Well, that was moot. I actually gained 10 lbs in 2019. Why am I so weak?

– Young reader

Mary Jo’s response: You’re human, not weak. It’s easy to use an arbitrary date like the start of a new year as a benchmark for changing behavior. Change is hard and takes effort. We need to be ready to change. A lot of people fail at New Year resolutions.

Why not start a new behavior with small, reachable goals? Decide to exercise twice a week and stick with it. Research how to eat healthy foods and try to introduce new tastes to your diet. Find a buddy to keep a food diary with you or join you for exercise.

There’s nothing magic about Jan. 1. Each day is your day and a gift. Choose what you want in life and begin taking steps to achieve it. Happy New Year and best of luck.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.