Jan 20, 2020 3 min read

When I was a kid and my parents prevented me from doing something I dearly wished to do, they often would attempt to explain their reasoning by saying, “When you get older, you’ll understand.”

• Well, I’m older, and I don’t understand. Please help me.Why do TV news assignment editors think it’s a great idea to send a reporter to a site where, hours before, something happened? For example, a motorist hits a fire hydrant, breaking it off and sending a stream of water 50 feet into the air. Six hours later, a reporter stands at the scene of the accident. “It happened right behind where I’m standing! You can see that the fire hydrant is gone, and so is the car,” the reporter says, staring gravely into a camera. Then the reporter signs off: “Reporting LIVE from Seldom Seen, this is Babbling Brooks, WXYZ News.”

Apparently this is the TV news equivalent of giving directions in Pittsburgh, which requires that you mention landmarks that no longer exist. “Go up to Oakland, right by where the Pittsburgh Playhouse used to be. Go straight. Hang a left at the Cathedral and go past where Syria Mosque was, then hang a right and make a left on the street where that school was torn down. You can’t miss it.”

Let me say to any TV news employees who may be reading: Stay indoors! We can’t see something that’s not there. Don’t stand on the berm of I-79 to tell us that it might snow later. Don’t stand outside a police station at 11 p.m. to tell us that a suspect in a shooting was brought there 10 hours earlier. And by the way … standing in front of a huge screen in the studio while lugging a laptop computer does not make the news more immediate. The late Carl Ide read the news equally effectively in the 1950s while sitting down, and he still had time to pour a glass of beer on-camera to plug a sponsor’s product. Those also serve who only sit and read.

• On the subject of standing: Why, rock concert attendees, must you stand up for the entire show? Don’t tell me that you stood up because the guy in front of you did – you were gonna stand up anyway. But do tell me, does the music sound better when your ears are three feet higher? Does the skull of the person in front of you become transparent when they stand, allowing you to see better than if they and you had remained seated? Sit! Stay!
• Texting while driving can be deadly. So why, in amending Pennsylvania’s texting-while-driving law, did the state Legislature refuse to let police stop drivers for texting unless they are committing another moving violation – say, bending over to hand-feed a gerbil sitting on the passenger-side floor? Because then they can fine you twice, that’s why. Our new state motto: “Pennsylvania: Pursuing Heftier Traffic Violation Fines!”

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being curmudgeonly. They say that comes with age.

Let me go stand outside a police station and think about it.