A letter from gramps
July 4, 2023
Hiya Joey! How’s my big fella?
Gramps is writing to you today because he thinks it’s important for you to learn history the way he learned it – not the way they teach it in the government-run History Hootenannies we have now.
As I write, I’m sitting in my cell at Fort Benedict Arnold down in Mississippi. The last poor souls who died from not having haircuts during the Great Hoax Virus of 2020 are buried outside the fort’s walls. It’s sad that no one come to visit them.
Joey, despite what you may see on Twitter, this country used to be called the United States of America. It’s been “Kellogg’s FrootLoopsylvania” since 2022, when Congress voted to allow corporate naming rights of the country to avoid budget deficits.
I guess things started going bad for America right after the presidential election of 2020. Democrat Joe Biden and his running mate, Dolly Parton, carried all 50 states with 98.6% of the popular vote. Parton had been a last-minute surprise pick.
Biden said Dolly would help bring North and South together, and he was right.
Dolly and Joe sang “Islands in the Stream” at the inauguration while holding hands and gazing into each other’s eyes atop the highest point of the FireChaser Express roller coaster at Dollywood. Outgoing Attorney General Bill Barr shed a tear.
Ex-President Donald Trump was nowhere to be seen.
Everyone figured he was a sore loser and had gone to play golf. But it turned out Trump had locked himself inside the presidential bunker right before the inauguration. Reliable sources told CNN Trump pounded on the bunker’s ceiling with a broomstick for the first 100 days of the Biden administration, thinking it would annoy the new president. But Biden had forgotten to put in his hearing aids, so he never noticed.
By the time the CIA finally figured out that the code to the blast door was “1234” and opened it, the bunker was empty. What happened to Trump remains a mystery to this day. Some say if you go to Lafayette Park at midnight during a full moon, you can see someone standing atop the South Portico of the White House, waving a Confederate flag.
Things went well for a while in the new Biden administration.
Then came “The Sunday Night Hee Haw.”
On July 4, 2021, Biden switched jobs with Parton. Biden said he liked being vice president better. Most Americans missed the news because they were watching the finals of “Project Runway,” co-hosted by Melania Trump and Lindsey Graham. Mitch McConnell won with his design of a stunning faux taffeta gown made from pages of discarded impeachment testimony.
President Parton seemed pretty nice. Her first official act was to sign an executive order replacing the Secret Service with bouffanted blondes wearing gingham babydoll dresses and carrying color-coordinated FN P90 submachine guns.
Everyone approved.
But in December 2021, Dolly went, as she might put it, “three skips and a hop too fer up the holler” – she made our national anthem “I Will Always Love You.” Then she had the four presidential faces on Mt. Rushmore replaced with Buck Owens, Mel Tillis, Johnny Cash and Col. Sanders. Lots of people seemed to be OK with the change, but your grandmother and I thought she was wiping out our history.
So we organized a big march on Nashville – Dolly had moved from the White House to a double-wide just off I-24. But we called off the demonstration after a poll conducted by “News for Y’all” – the official state TV network – revealed nine out of 10 Americans didn’t know who the original Rushmore faces were anyway; six in 10 said they were NASCAR drivers.
I remained pretty mad. But I guess I shouldn’t have sent that letter to President Parton.
“You’re no Shania Twain!” I told her.
Now I make big rocks into little ones, working 9 to 5.
They sell them at Joe Biden’s Hoot ‘n’ Holler Gift Shack at Mar a Lago.