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Half a league, onward

3 min read

The game had been a seesaw battle from the start. Now, with three seconds left on the clock, Larry “Skunky” Monk lined up to attempt the winning field goal.

Skunky’s brother Barry, a.k.a. Funky, snapped the ball. Skunky planted the toe of his left shoe firmly in the ball’s midsection. The pigskin flew toward the goal post and … skewed wide right. Skunky’s head fell to his chest, and he trudged to his bench. On the opposite sideline, all eight players from Pittsburgh’s club celebrated their victory.

The 2022 NFL season had been rough. Two years previously, Skunky’s team, the Washington Redskins, had changed its name to the Old Fat Privileged White Guys. Yes, it was a concession to protestors, but it also reflected the makeup of the team now that owners could no longer pay accomplished athletes. Games played in empty stadiums meant drastically reduced revenue. And all because the COVID-19 pandemic had failed to disappear as predicted by former president Donald Trump’s final infectious diseases czar, Chuck Woolery.

Fate had dealt Pittsburgh’s team, formerly the Steelers, a somewhat better hand. No one had demanded that the team’s name be changed, but the new owner wanted to be safe. So he had chosen something that could offend no one.

“Everyone likes pierogis,” franchise President Colin Kaepernick told the media at his first press conference, then held up a plate of steaming dumplings. “Kaepernick’s Kool Kale” flavor sold out in an hour at Giant Eagle and, overnight, a 19-foot tall statue of Kaepernick appeared in Point State Park.

Diehard football fans seemed happy. But the new NFL was not the same.

Owners could afford to field only eight players. Each offense now had a center, a quarterback, a running back and a wide receiver. Defenses consisted of three down lineman and one “rover.” In deference to calls for improved safety on the field, tackling had been eliminated. A rover could not touch an opposing player. Instead, he was permitted only to run alongside the ball carrier and try to distract him by reciting news he had read on Twitter. If the ball carrier believed the rover, he had to stop running and be penalized 15 yards for unnecessary dumbness.

And so it was that while the Old Fat Privileged White Guys and Pierogis played at Goya Beans Field in Pittsburgh, the Kansas City Land Grabbers faced off against the Tampa Bay Capt. Jack Sparrows in a sandlot in St. Petersburg.

The Land Grabbers, up by 4 points with 15 minutes left in the 20-minute game, were declared winners after a Hail Mary pass by the Sparrows sailed over the fence and into the yard of a mean old man. The win had allowed the Old Fat Privileged White Guys to back into the Sorry Bowl. New NFL President Brad Parscale said that 4.3 billion people had signed up via email for pay-per-view.

After the game, the brothers Monk relaxed by watching a rerun of the 2022 World Series in the U-Haul trailer that served as their home. The Atlanta Cowards were facing the Cleveland We Really Didn’t Mean Its.

“Cleveland wins the series,” Funky said after the first pitch.

“How do you know that?” Skunky asked. “We haven’t seen this yet!”

“Roethlisberger told me,” Funky said.

“Big Bum?” Skunky countered. “We should never have traded Terry Bradshaw to get him.”

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