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Find time to love yourself, fight inequality in challenging times

7 min read

I received two questions from young people of color. Please know these questions are a small indication of how racism is affecting young people. I can only go so far to support these lived experiences. I consulted with two excellent professional therapists and dear friends, Dr. Rueben Brock and Dr. Lexx James. Their kindness and wisdom permeate their words.

Q. Sometimes it feels like it’s too hard to be born brown. I kinda wish I hadn’t been. Some people deny racism’s real, but black lives seem cheap in America. I’ve seen white people with big weapons and rocket launchers in state capitals and no one blinks, yet a black man is killed and three police officers just stood there watching. White people say “all lives matter,” but I think they don’t mean us. We say “Black Lives Matter” because it doesn’t feel like they do. I know people who say they are allies but they don’t stand with people like me when something bad happens. What will it get better?

17 year old

Q. I was so excited to get my license. I even passed the first time. But, now I’m afraid. I can barely breathe when I’m driving and I see a police car. How can I get past this terrible fear. I don’t want to die.

16-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: My heart hurts to read both of your words. I mourn the loss of safety you feel, and the reality that you feel your life is cheapened by your skin color. You are worthy. You are so incredibly worthy. Your feelings are real and need validated.

I have strong opinions about people who say “all lives matter” and dismiss the concept of black lives being threatened. Systemic racism continues today. The Black Lives Matter movement was born from injustice.

I also believe a person may only claim the title ally when a member of the group being supported bestows the name. Ally is a verb. If people call themselves allies without support and action, they are using the name incorrectly. An ally also needs to move aside, avoid taking charge, and not step up to the microphone. Allies support, they do not lead.

As a person born with white privilege, I can only speak to your courage and affirm your worth. I can have empathy for your experiences, but I cannot know how you feel. I asked two wise colleagues to help me respond to your questions.

Dr. Rueben Brock: Your pain is real. The fear when a black driver sees a police car is not only common, it is a reasonable fear. The experiences you both describe are ones that most black people know all too well. Although that may not feel comforting, please know that you are not alone. We have been given a burden that we neither asked for or deserved. The weight of that can feel almost unbearable at times. And I wish I had a few powerful and uplifting words that would make this better. I don’t have those words.

But, what I can tell you is that this absolutely will get better. It will get easier, because you will get stronger. The weight of this burden will strengthen you in the same way that it has strengthened your elders and your ancestors. You will one day feel stronger and therefore less hurt by this experience. That is the reality of the black experience in America.

Although I cannot say I believe racism in America will end during my lifetime, I do take comfort in knowing that your generation has proven itself much more open and much less afraid of the differences that create our diverse world. With that, I see hope for a world in which the impact of these old beliefs will be much less for my grandchildren than they were for me. I hope you get to see that reality. I truly do. In the meantime, remember that you are not alone. And when you need to lean on a shoulder of someone who understands your pain, please do not hesitate to call me. Dr. Podgurski knows how to find me. I am here, with strength and love.

Dr. Lexx James: To be 16 and 17 and to have the awareness that you have, that all our youth have, inspires me with hope. I know that sounds strange at such a time as this. Thing is, for black people, this rage, these experiences, the fear and this tragedy – which is palpable for others right now – has always existed. It’s just being seen now. I have no idea when, and if, things will ever get better.

I hope they will.

What I have to do, and I hope you do try to do too, is take things moment to moment. Here’s an exercise that can be helpful. I find: five things I can see, four things I can touch, three things I can hear, two deep breaths – these deep breaths are when you breathe in for five seconds, hold your breath for two seconds and breathe out for seven seconds – and then do one body scan.

During this body scan, relax each muscle group in your body, one at a time. Start with your feet, then calves, then thighs, then pelvis, tummy, shoulder, arms, hands and even your face. Scrunch it up and relax so that even your jaw relaxes. After all of this, remind yourself you are safe at this moment.

Those who use “all lives matter,” those who name themselves as allies, miss the important piece of working together to decrease the harm that affects black people directly. I find that black joy is resistance. Remember these systems were put into place to try and break us down, so having true joy and finding happiness is resistance. It is not until these systems are dismantled by the people who benefit the most, and often solely, from them can we see that all black lives truly matter to all.

You’re right that there is hypocrisy.

You’re right that people are excluding care for black Lives. Don’t let anyone tell you that’s not the case, because unlike so many people older than you, wise ones, you see the truth. I hold hope for you, for me, for our families, our people and the changes for the betterment of now and the future.

Peer Educator LaShauna Carruthers’ response: In short, there’s really no telling what our future will hold. It’s really hard these days. Listening to the media as well as hearing and seeing what’s going on with people is hard. Being black comes with its own set of challenges on a regular basis, but in today’s society, it’s really a struggle of who is truly with you and who is not. You will never be able to change your skin tone, and you will never be able to stop racism and stereotypes. All you can really do is love your skin and show your pride and never, ever stay silent.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.

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