Living in the moment: Handling anxiety during a pandemic
Q. I’m writing to share my reflections over the last months. I’ve been texting with you off and on since March. I’m sure I’m not the only teen to do so, although you always made me feel as if you had all the time in the world to listen. I’m grateful for that.
The thing is, I now realize I made myself mentally a mess for things that turned out OK. For example, I was a mess about graduation. I was so sure it would be virtual or a drive by or nonexistent. How many nights did I stay awake, staring at the ceiling, miserable about not being able to walk and get my diploma? More than I want to count.
Yet, now, here I am, and a “real” gradation, a little altered, is happening.
How much anxiety could I have saved myself if I’d kept control of my thoughts? During our many encounters, you taught me how to relax. I find myself returning to those exercises. When I find my mind saying things like, “college in the fall will be awful if it doesn’t open face-to-face” I remind myself that August isn’t yet here and things may be fine. I guess I’m writing to tell you I learned something in the middle of this pandemic. And, thanks.
18 year old
Mary Jo’s Response: How wonderful of you to take the time to write.
Life, my friend, is a learning experience. Few reflect so deeply and with such honesty at your age. I’m pleased. It was my honor to listen to you, and, no, you were not the only young person for whom this pandemic was challenging.
I’m thrilled your graduation dreams will come true, at least in part.
The lesson you learned is exceptional. You were able to grasp the reality of living in the moment. Few of us are skilled at this. Essentially, what I’m hearing you say is that you’ve realized all those sleepless nights didn’t change how your graduation played out. You learned anxiety over what we cannot change is a useless waste of energy and can be emotionally draining.
My mom was fond of saying I should “keep my mind and body in the same place.” She suffered from depression most of her life, and I know her motivation was to help prepare her daughter for life’s challenges. Her words are the foundation of mindfulness. To keep one’s focus on the present when faced with obstacles out of our control is a great skill.
I’m also happy you’re developing the skill of releasing tension.
There are many ways to ease anxiety – centering on your breathing, exercise, music, reading, sharing with a good listener, being there for another person in distress, prayer, volunteering to aid others, setting short-term goals and keeping them – these are a few of the skills you can create in your tool kit of coping. Starting this process of self-awareness now will help you grow as an adult.
I hope your dreams easily come to fruition. I pray August brings less fear and more hope. Until college begins, and after, please remember I am here. Good luck.
Q. I think my parents are going to split up over this virus. They fight a lot anyway, but this is constant. My brother and me worry. See, my mom is cautious. She wants us to keep distancing unless it’s really necessary to connect with people not in our family. She worries about us getting sick. When we’re out with her, we always wear masks. She is careful in stores. We have a list and we go in fast and get out quick. My dad thinks this whole virus thing is a joke. He never wears masks, does whatever he wants, and hangs out with his buddies on Friday night. He doesn’t exactly come home drunk, but we can tell he’s been drinking. They always fight on Fridays.
Lately, my brother and me ask to go to our gram’s house on Fridays. It’s just easier.
They also fight about politics and they get meaner and meaner every time. My brother is older than me and he says its like they’re our country – split apart and not willing to talk things out. They won’t talk about it with us, either, even when we try. They act as if we don’t know how tense they are. If they get a divorce, we actually think life would be better. Is that a horrible thing to say?
15-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: No, it’s not a horrible thing to say.
I’m often saddened by the reality of some adults missing the truth about young people’s awareness of what happens in families. Of course you know your parents are at odds with each other. It’s normal for you and your brother to feel lost and alone. It would be unusual if you didn’t worry. I’m glad you have each other. I’m happy you have your gram and can escape to the safety and peace of her home.
I wonder if your parents would consider counseling?
They are certainly candidates for family therapy. The picture you paint is of a couple growing apart. Without intervention, I don’t know how they will succeed at saving their relationship.
It’s very important for me to articulate the obvious. You and your brother are not responsible for your parents’ discord. They do not fight because of you. Their relationship is their own, and your presence does not increase their tension.
It’s not your fault.
May I suggest you talk with your gram and share your feelings? I think continuing to seek refuge with her is wise. I’d also share your concerns about your dad’s drinking. It may be more serious than you know. I think you and your brother should continue to seek help with trusted adults, talk with your guidance counselors at school and be open with each other.
I hope your family can find peace.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.