Jun 17, 2020 5 min read

Q. I’m a mess because my daughter started her period. Ironically, she seems just fine. I did get her ready. That’s more than my mom did for me at her age. I was shocked when my period started and I didn’t want that for her. I bought her a book and read it with her. When she started she was very matter-of-fact. Now, she takes it in stride. I know I did right by her. Then, why am I so upset?

Mom of 12-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I can’t know what’s causing you stress, but I can offer you some thoughts for reflection.

1. Your own puberty wasn’t smooth. You sound as if there are parts of your young adolescence that were traumatic. Trauma ripples through time. You may still feel pain and loss for the way your periods began.

2. You did a great job preparing your daughter for this life change. You should be pleased, and I sense you are. You don’t mention if you ever resolved this issue with your own mother. It’s possible the contrast between your daughter’s early teen years and your own brings negative memories.

3. No matter how old our children become, their growth is often bitter sweet for us. As committed parents, we want to help them reach for adulthood. As people who genuinely love them at each developmental stage, we may miss their early childhood. Puberty can be tough for parents, too.

4. Finally, it’s common for parents to think it will be difficult to connect with their teens as they mature. I spend most of my days with young people. I see them as strong, witty, interesting, energetic and inspiring. Please don’t believe naysayers who say adolescence is horrible. It is not. She’s still your little girl. When she’s an adult, she will be a dear friend.

Stress when faced with change is typical. We all go through it. Take a cue from your daughter. Observe her growth with joy. You can do this.

Q. My mom lives with us. My daughter just turned 14. My mom is constantly criticizing her. Every time my daughter doesn’t jump when mom tells her to do something, I’m forced to hear a lecture about how lazy she is or how “these kids today” are useless. She calls her fat. She tells her she’s stupid. My daughter gets very good grades. I feel like a kid when my mom starts attacking her. Sometimes I just freeze.

My daughter is a great person. I feel like confronting my mom. My husband says my mom is too old to change and I should just leave her alone. I don’t know what to do.

Mom of 14-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Words can hurt. If your daughter constantly hears messages that can make her doubt her self-worth, she may believe them. Her positive body image needs nurtured. Her self-esteem needs shored up. You’re her mom. She needs you to be her advocate.

Memories of your mom’s parenting when you were young seem to be haunting you. There’s a reason you feel young and freeze when she attacks your daughter. Be respectful, but share your feelings with your mother. Explain you are her granddaughter’s mom and you will set the tone for her parenting. Be kind, but firm.

Your daughter needs to know you’re advocating for her. Let her know you stand with her.

Q. My first grandchild just turned 13. My son is divorced and his new wife doesn’t parent as I did, but I know she’s trying. Up until now, she was pretty steady, but I can tell my granddaughter’s new moodiness gets to her.

I love my son and granddaughter and I truly do like his new wife. I figure she has enough to deal with adjusting to parenting an almost teenager whom she didn’t raise. I’ve decided, unless her parenting choices are hurtful, I’m going to be silent. My son is a great dad and I know he remembers the positive way he was raised. I see him gently influencing his wife.

It’s tough, but I’ve decided to stay out of it. Am I making the right decision?

Grandmother of teenager

Mary Jo’s Response: Your decision is an unselfish one. It signals trust in your son. You could easily sour your granddaughter to her new step mom. I think you’re wise to stay positive and let your son work this out in his own way.

As you say, if you feel your granddaughter is at risk of harm, you should intervene. If not, parenting styles vary widely. Accepting your son’s choices and offering support to his new family is a great gift.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.