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Finding comfort, calm under challenging circumstances

6 min read

Q. I’m still not doing well emotionally with this virus. I’ve seen a counselor and she keeps suggesting mindfulness or meditation. She tried to show me, but I just got more tense. I’m sure you don’t remember me, but I took childbirth classes in your basement for our first child. He just turned 40 -sorry! I remember you teaching us relaxation several different ways. Would it be crazy for me to ask you to write down what you did in class? I’m sure I’m not the only person who needs to calm down, so if you put this in your column I’d be happy. I’m going to send it to my son. He’s got a new baby and he’s pretty stressed. It will be better coming from you than from me. He won’t think I’m wise enough to know anything. You taught him sex education.

– Anxious

Mary Jo’s Response: Your email made my day. It’s wonderful to be remembered. I do feel “seasoned” by your remarks, but no need to apologize. Age is a gift not everyone receives.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with anxiety. Stress can permeate our days and remove joy. I pray you feel more at peace soon.

It will be my pleasure to write down the relaxation I taught for decades in my basement childbirth classes. Please know there are numerous apps and websites dedicated to the art of achieving peace. This is only my approach.

Here are my thoughts about meditation, mindfulness and relaxation:

1. There is no one way to meditate; each person should seek peace and relaxation in their own way.

2. The image of a mediating person is typically a passive one. Someone sits quietly, perhaps in a special position, their expression far away. On the contrary, I’ve mediated while getting chemo, as a passenger in a car during a snowstorm, lying in bed right after waking, after receiving stressful news and right before serving dinner to my family. The key is to find a position where your limbs are eased of tension, you’re comfortable and you can concentrate. The simple act of opening your hands can release tension.

3. Emptying one’s mind isn’t a goal I set. Our minds are not meant to be empty. It’s impossible. Instead, I seek to accept my thoughts and prioritize them. If a person is busily thinking, “This doesn’t work” or “I’m not good at this,” those thoughts should be set aside. It’s OK. Keep going. We cannot control what pops into our minds, but we can control how we react to thoughts. There’s no standard except one’s own.

4. Meditation, mindfulness and relaxation are practices. One must set aside time for this experience with repetition. With practice, the breathing and relaxation will become second nature. I was taught mindfulness in the early 70s, when I cared for pediatric oncology patients. I’ve practiced it daily ever since. Teaching childbirth for decades reinforced the practice. You can do this.

5. I have personal biases against guided imagery. I don’t know a person’s lived experiences, so I avoid images that direct someone to go to the beach or explore a meadow mentally. Instead, I ask people to find their own safe place to consider. Your safe place may change over time. That’s OK.

6. Breathing is the key to peace. Centering oneself simply means thinking of your breathing during inhalation and exhalation. There are many ways to accomplish this. One might try any of these: Breathe in, think about breathing in. Breathe out, think about breathing out. Breathe in to a count of five, breathe out to finish the count to 10. Breathe in, thinking, “I am at peace.” Breathe out, thinking, “My breathing calms me.” Create your own way to center your mind with your breath. When stressed, a deep cleansing breath can help blow off tension.

7. Progressive muscle relaxation is one of the techniques I taught as preparation for labor and birth. Simply put, one focuses on each part of the body in turn, tensing the area and then releasing tension with an exhale. I typically begin at the top of the head and move down the body to the soles of the feet. I think of my scalp as tight, as if a swim cap surrounds it, then I hold my breath, consider that tension and release it as I let the air out. This progresses through my facial muscles, shoulders, arms/hands, chest, abdomen and legs/feet. Think of tension as flowing off your body from your head to your toes. Some people don’t like this technique, which is fine.

8. Time spent in meditation varies. A minute is better than nothing. Five or 10 minute sessions are nice; longer is great if you’re comfortable and have the time.

9. In New York, working with very sick children, I was taught to suggest they use a color to help them cope with pain. We told little ones to think of a very bright color. With each exhale, they were instructed to picture the shade growing lighter. Some of my young patients were able to ease anxiety through simple breathing/relaxation and avoid high doses of pain medicine. For others, the analgesics worked best. We typically used a combination of the two.

10 Many people combine prayer with these techniques, or read words of comfort. I’m fond of Thich Nhat Hanh’s many books. A good first book is “Peace with Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Every Day Life.”

Seeing a counselor can be very helpful when dealing with stress and anxiety. You’re not alone. Please seek support and guidance.

Good luck with passing this practice onto your son. My own mom often sent me newspaper clippings when she wanted to teach me as an adult. They sometimes annoyed me. You’re correct. Your son may receive another person’s words more smoothly. Parents may not be honored for our wisdom.

May your anxiety lighten. I wish you joy and peace.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.

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