Mar 12, 2020 5 min read

Q. Yesterday we had to take our family dog to the vet. He was limping and he’d lost his sight. It seemed like he was in pain. I agree with the decision. He was a good pet and we all loved him, but it was time to let him go. My problem is the whole family decided to lie to my brother. He’s 10. I think this is wrong. Telling my brother our dog went to “live in the country with other older dogs” is just denial. My mom said she’s protecting my brother from the harsh realities of life, but I think he needs to know. In fact, I think he does know, but no one will talk with him about it. I want to. Should I?

– 15-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Your question raises an important concern: how much do we tell children about what’s happening in their lives?

Many adults seek to protect children – they are good intentions and act out of love. I have empathy for their feelings. Life can bring challenges. Keeping those challenges from children may sound like the best thing to do. Like you, I wonder. What if protecting is really encouraging denial and isolation?

I listen to children. As part of writing my Nonnie Series of books about life’s tough topics, I gather focus groups of third and fourth graders, fifth and sixth graders, and seventh and eighth graders. I’ve facilitated discussions on birth, trauma, death and other topics often considered too controversial to talk about with children.

In every situation, I am astounded by how much children already know. They are hungry to share their fears and ask questions. Silence from adults only confuses them.

I’d like to relay a story. As a young nurse, I worked in pediatric oncology with children dealing with cancer. A boy of 10 asked me for help. He wanted me to help him tell his parents that he and his 8-year-old brother, who was hospitalized with leukemia, were aware of the cancer and knew the 8-year-old was dying. The boys’ parents felt they were protecting them both by denying the truth. The 10-year-old wanted to be able to talk openly with his mom and dad – the sick child wanted the same. Everyone felt closer and were able to cope better together once the parents understood their sons’ needs.

You ask if you should tell your brother. I love your care for him. I prefer you not disobey your parents, though. May I suggest you tell your mom you feel your brother already knows the truth about your pet? Show her this column and tell her you’re the questioner. Tell her you believe your brother can handle the truth. I hope she will understand and help you explain things to your brother.

Remember to be kind. Losing a beloved pet is very hard. Less is more. Simply tell your brother your dog was in pain and he died. Details aren’t necessary. Too often we fear the word death, but it is part of life. Gently support your brother and answer his questions.

Thank you for caring. Good luck.

Peer Educator response: You’re right. 10-year-olds are sharp. They know when parents are divorcing, they know when someone is very ill and dies, and they know when parents are upset about money. It’s better to include a child in conversations than to act like he doesn’t hear.

Q. My dog was killed when I was with him. We were playing in the park on a really nice day and he ran into the street. A car hit him. I blame myself. He was a good dog. My dad said I need to get over it. He says we will get a new dog and I should forget him. I want to remember him. How long is it OK to feel bad?

– 12-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Grief takes time and is very individual. However long you feel badly is as long as you need to grieve. There’s no timeline.

I’d like to help you deal with the guilt you feel because your dog died. It wasn’t your fault when he ran fast and into traffic. Accidents happen in life. Life experiences are often painful.

Your first task it to forgive yourself. I agree you should remember your dog. Loving someone means it hurts when they’re gone. Good memories help with grief. I’m sorry for your loss. You will grow to love a new dog, but the new pet won’t replace the one you lost. Be kind to yourself and move forward.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.