Mar 26, 2020 6 min read

Q. Everyone is fussing about staying home. They should live in my house.

My mom’s boyfriend is a pig. I mean it. He lays around all day in a raggedy t-shirt and his boxers smoking. I don’t know the last time he showered. He doesn’t do a thing around the house.

My mom and brother and me do everything. We cook and clean and take out the garbage while he watches TV. My mom says she loves him, but I told her she only keeps him around because he pays for stuff.

I mostly stay in my room and he mostly keeps away from me, but being isolated now just puts him in my life all the more. I was so looking forward to graduation. I’m accepted to college and cannot wait to get out of here.

Now my job is closed down and I can’t even escape there. I’m not really looking for an answer. I just want to vent. My grandma always had boyfriends just like this. I don’t want to follow my mom’s path.

18 year old

Mary Jo’s Response: We all need to vent. I’m glad you felt comfortable reaching out.

I hear you. Being thrust into shared living space with someone you did not select, and really do not like, must be harsh. This isolation only magnifies your frustration.

I’m glad you’re up front with your mom.

You may not know her reasons for staying with her boyfriend. I believe you need to respect her as your parent, but you don’t need to agree with her choices. Keep talking with her. Back her up if she confronts her boyfriend. You’re a young person – you don’t need to see an adult man lounging in his boxers. Clothes are good. Even in isolation, it’s important to dress for the day, follow normal hygiene and keep mentally fit.

Relationship scripts – the way we select partners and decide with whom we will spend our time and our lives – are often complicated. We tend to unconsciously model the relationships we observe. Flipping a script – making a conscious choice to create a healthy, mutually respectful relationship – takes planning and foresight. You can do this.

For now, I hope you can find connection virtually. Facetime with friends and connect on social media. Fill your days with as many positives as possible. Take walks, stay at safe distances if you see other people, play games with your brother, read, listen to music, start a journal, take time for exercise and meditation, enroll in a free online class.

Find whatever gives you joy.

We’re hosting a Virtual Teen Center Zoom meeting twice daily. If you’d like to vent with people your own age who share similar thoughts, just email me again for the Zoom link.

I connected with a peer educator alumnus whose story may give you hope. Good luck. I’m here.

Peer Educator Alumnus Response: Your life sounds like mine. I’m in my mid-30s now, but my memories of my teen years and my mom’s boyfriend sound like yours. You deserve better. Time has made me realize how strong I was then and how strong I am now.

The weird thing was, he never did anything harmful enough for anyone like CYS to help. I was actually told if they removed teens from every family where someone obnoxious was part of the household, they’d never have enough foster homes.

My mom’s boyfriend was a slob who berated her and my sister and me, but he never laid a hand on us. He just made life at home miserable. He lasted 5 years after my high school graduation.

I’m really close to my mom now. We often talk about her choices. She’s regretful. I tell her it was part of her life at a time in her life when she needed support. Be kind to your mom. I hate that this social isolation is making your life harder, but believe me, it will pass and you’ll be out of the house and in college soon. One reaction in my own life – I didn’t return home to visit my mother as long as he lived there. She came to my college and we’d meet for lunch, but I didn’t step foot in that house until he left.

Q. I know you respond to teen questions, but I hope you can support an exhausted mom. It’s not homeschooling my kids. I love my kids. I’m figuring out how to help them stay current. I’m getting the hang of this “out of school, make your own schedule” thing.

Here’s what’s adding to my stress: I like Facebook. It helps me connect virtually with friends and family. It makes this quarantine a lot easier. But, I’m sick of all the competition from parents, especially from moms.

When people began posting pictures of them doing fabulous activities with their kids, at first I thought, what a great parent.

Now I find myself cringing.

I can’t keep up. How does this parent make fancy science projects with the stuff around the house? Wait a minute, you’re teaching your kids Italian? I know one solution is staying off Facebook, but I need the social connection. Any thoughts?

Not a teacher. Who are these people?

Mary Jo’s Response: I agree. People do seem to try to outdo one another.

Have you ever seen the pictures of bakery and craft fails? Brave people post an image of a fancy cake or elaborate DIY project and then post a picture of their result. It’s hilarious and reassuring.

People post the best parts of their lives. The posts may not be an indication of truth.

You’ve got this. No one knows your children better than you. Respond to their needs – this isn’t a contest. Try asking them to help you plan an agenda. Listening to young people is the fastest way I know to connect.

You don’t need to remove yourself from Facebook to ease stress.

The unfollow button is amazing.

You don’t even need to unfriend. When this is over, you may want to see posts from these people. You also may not. Choose friends wisely and model healthy friend relationships to your children. I have faith in you.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.