May 7, 2020 5 min read

Q. I thought my parents were OK before everything shut down. Now that we’re stuck together 24/7 I can see how stupid they are. Will I be like them when I’m a grown up? I hope not.

14-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: You will be the type of grown up you choose. How we live our adult lives is based on many things as we make choices about our education, our relationships and our jobs. You will grow to be who you are in time.

People do seem to “grow into” their heritage in some ways. We develop tastes in food and likes/dislikes in music, movies, sports and books by watching our parents, but we begin to strike out on our own during adolescence. At your age, it’s normal to seek independence. It’s normal to want to be your own person. You’ll get there.

As to your parents’ stupidity, I think you’re dealing with a little too much closeness. This pandemic puts us in challenging situations with an uncertain end to isolation.

Open communication helps more than anything in relationships. You and your parents have a relationship.

Relationships aren’t just about boyfriends and girlfriends. Try to be honest with one another. It might help to ask your parents for some alone time. Take a walk if you can, get out of the house and enjoy some fresh air. Talk with friends.

Your normal 14-year-old feelings are probably heightened by being in lockdown with your parents, but they’re not uncommon thoughts.

This quote, attributed to Mark Twain, may be helpful: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”

The pandemic is temporary. Try to take it in little bits of time and deal with it. Good luck.

Q. I’m never gonna have a boyfriend. How am I supposed to meet someone in isolation?

This whole thing sucks.

15-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I agree. Isolation is tough. I could easily tell you to be patient. I could easily make assurances you’ll have a boyfriend one day. I think you know these things.

Knowledge and experience are different.

In your head, you know this will pass and you’ll be with other people your age. In your heart, you’re restless and lonely. These are normal feelings.

I’m zooming with our peer educators every day at 3 p.m. and 7 p.m. I’ll send you the link. Virtual connections aren’t the same as face-to-face ones, but we do laugh a lot and find reasons for joy.

Stay in touch. I’m always happy to listen.

Q. Am I a lousy parent? I love my kids, but teaching them every day and having them underfoot is a lot. I actually locked myself in the bathroom yesterday just to have some alone time. I’m an adult. I know my role in this mess is to teach them, but I find myself resenting it. I feel like I’m always angry with them, and I want to change that. Will my kids remember this time as a traumatic one?

Mom of three

Mary Jo’s Response: You’re not a lousy parent. You’re a human experiencing stress. Taking on the roles of parent, teacher, counselor, chef and entertainment director is a great deal to have thrust upon you.

I don’t know the ages of your children, but I do know young people respond more to the music behind adult words than to what adults say. No one is upbeat all the time, but taking a moment to remember how much you love your children can help temper the tone you use when talking with them. Breathe first.

How our children will remember this time is impossible to predict, but I do know the presence of an adult who cares tempers trauma. Your children’s memories will be of a mom who tries hard in the face of a big challenge. Dealing with tough life situations and persevering are important nonverbal messages.

Anger is a normal emotion. It’s OK to call it out and tell your little ones you’re feeling angry. It’s OK to say, “This is hard for mom today. Let’s play quietly,” and then plan a family activity later. It’s OK to acknowledge how tough things are right now, as long as you clarify you love them unconditionally. It’s OK for them to want some space from you, too.

We’re in uncharted territory. It sounds as if you want your kids to remember you as a strong parent who loves them. Your daily actions reinforce a message of love and strength. It’s OK to also give them the message you’re human. When you open up about how this lockdown is affecting you and give them time to share their thoughts, you may find they are just as frustrated as you.

Peer Educator Response: All three of these questions deal with feelings that we understand. It’s hard to be with your family all the time, even if you love them. Mary Jo teaches us to communicate openly. It’s not always easy to do that, but it’s the only thing that breaks the tension.

We all want to be back at school and doing normal things. We miss our friends and our activities. Join us on zoom. It’s a lot of fun. Good luck.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.