May 14, 2020 5 min read

Q. I need help telling my parents I want to take a gap year. I graduate now – not that anyone is noticing. I’ve been accepted to my first-pick school and was excited, but now I hear rumors they will only open online in the fall. The problem is I don’t learn well online. It’s just not me.

My parents split when I was a little kid and they share custody. My dad never remarried, although his latest girlfriend has been around about six months. She’s not all that bright and laughs at me when I study. So, I have to talk with my dad but his girlfriend is always around and I know how she feels about college. She’s been pretty clear that I’m a financial drain. I’m sure she would talk my dad into a gap year for me, but I doubt she would back up him helping me go to school when the year ends.

My mom remarried about six years ago and has three little kids with her new husband. I love them, especially the baby, but when I’m at mom’s house it’s chaos. I don’t blame her. Three kids under 5 is a handful. As to my mom – her heart’s in the right place, but her new family takes most of her time and money.

I might lose my biggest scholarship if I delay school, but I might lose it anyway since it’s an athletic one and the team won’t play if the school is online. Can you give me some suggestions? I feel lost.

18-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I’m sorry your graduation and senior year are so affected by the pandemic. I can only imagine how you must feel. When you say no one is noticing your graduation, you share feelings of loss. Please stay in touch as you sort through you grief over the way your school year ended. Congratulations on your achievements.

You ask for help in telling your parents you want to take a gap year. I can see how the idea of skipping college this fall is appealing. Learning online is not for everyone, and your disappointment is real.

The most important aspect of relationships is communication. I see the reasons communication with your mom and dad is challenging.

If we were together, I’d ask you to make a pro and con sheet about your decision. Please let me ask you a few questions to help you with that process.

1. Have you connected with your college? Rumors about colleges and universities going online in the fall are common, but few schools have announced their intentions. The fall is unknown, since this virus is new. It’s very possible your college will meet with face-to-face classes. The first thing you need to do is find out the truth.

2. If you college is unsure, are you able to put your decision on hold until you know? It sounds as if you were excited about college, but are discouraged now. Those feelings are perfectly normal. Do you need to make this decision immediately, or can you wait a few months?

3. Do you know how your scholarship will be handled? It’s certainly not your fault if your sport is postponed. Have you spoken with your school adviser or recruiter?

4. Is it possible to spend time alone with each of your parents? I’m guessing neither of them know your angst. As difficult as it may seem, usually the best way to start a tough conversation is to find the courage to begin.

5. Have you shared your need to spend time alone with your dad? Although his girlfriend may influence him, you are his son and he needs to know how you feel. Talking with him alone may help.

6. Have you told your mom how much you need to talk with her without distraction? It may be difficult to arrange, but someone watching your siblings for even 30 minutes would give you time to open your heart to her.

7. Finally, have you been honest with both your parents? Underscoring your concerns about the fall, I sense a need to feel seen by them. Their lives are busy, but you are still their son. I wonder how they would react if they knew your true feelings. Give them a try. Assuming they don’t care isn’t fair to you or to them.

I know this is challenging. I also know the work ethic you’ve already shown – one that gained you admission to your first-pick school and a coveted scholarship – will help you succeed. If your college does go online, it’s OK to admit your discomfort with online learning to your college adviser. Many schools offer support in this difficult situation.

Making this type of decision isn’t easy. Please tap into the support of your family and your new school. You’re not alone. May all go well for you in the fall.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.