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Shadow of a gout

3 min read

Like so many of us, I watched “The Fugitive” on TV in the sixties. I bought the plot lock, stock and barrel. But I’m here today to tell you that there is no way the One Armed Man could have killed Dr. Richard Kimball’s wife.

I had this revelation three days into having gout in my right wrist. I’m right-handed and, after being forced to use my left hand to do almost everything for two weeks, I’m thinking Kimball lied to the cops. A one-armed man could not have opened a door, let alone have killed someone.

Using your non-dominant hand for everything stinks. In fact, it’s torture: If I were a spy and agents of the KGB tied my right hand behind my back, I’d have given up the location of the microfilm in about 15 minutes.

I’d never seen being left handed as a bad thing, although it generally is thought of as a handicap. Who knows how many nuns whacked the knuckles of kids’ left hands with a ruler in an effort to make them write with the right hand? In certain parts of the world it’s considered rude to eat, hand over money or pick up things with your left hand. At the left hand of God is not where you want to be on Judgment Day. Now I understand why.

It all began with what I thought was carpal tunnel syndrome from overuse of a computer mouse since quarantine took effect. Went to bed on a Friday two weeks ago, woke up Saturday with pain that rivaled that which I had with a disc problem three years ago. I self-medicated and went to a hand specialist the following Monday.

Want to relive the golden days of childhood? Try filling out three pages of medical forms with the hand you don’t use to write. The diagnosis of gout was unexpected. My right hand was swollen, red, stiff, sore. So I used my left.

Over the next week I discovered that when you can’t use you dominant hand, it becomes nearly impossible to:

Squeeze toothpaste out of a tube and brush your teeth;

  • Write;
  • Twist a doorknob or pill-bottle cap;

Use a knife, fork or spoon without dropping food just before it enters your mouth;

  • Type and use a computer mouse.

This column appears because the swelling in my right hand diminished to the point where it looks not so much like the Goodyear blimp as a surgical glove filled with helium. And, luckily, I type with two fingers.

Maybe I should be grateful to have gout. Google tells me that many famous people have been plagued by gout, although usually of the toe or foot: Beethoven, Michelangelo, King Henry VIII. Perhaps it’s understandable that Henry had two wives beheaded.

Which brings us back to Dr. Richard Kimball. No way could the One Armed Man have killed Kimball’s wife. Curse you, Sixties TV!

If I could make a fist with my right hand, I’d shake it at you.

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