May 28, 2020 6 min read

Q. I am beyond stressed. My mom said, “You’re so miserable, you’re making the whole house miserable. Call Mary Jo. And make a list of good things in your life.”

Well, I called you, but this list thing makes no sense. I did make a list of stressors.

1. I’m a senior, not that it matters in this pandemic. I’m sick of even thinking about that one.

2. I hate living at home. I was ready to move out of my house before all this mess. I really want out now, but I can’t leave until I go to college in the fall.

3. What if college doesn’t start face to face?

4. I don’t have a clue what I want to study. I know I want to make more money than my mom. She works practically 24/7. But I have no idea.

5. I just broke up with my boyfriend. It was my idea because he was cheating, but now I’m lonely.

6. I need a car – not that I have anywhere to go.

My stomach doesn’t feel right a lot of the time. Just sick. I took psych in school. Is this connected to my stress?

My mom’s right. I am whining. I should think of good things. Why can’t I just shake this off? I always loved how you were so positive at school, even when your hair fell out from chemo. How do you think of good things? What do you do to cope with stress? If this is too personal, it’s OK. Thanks for listening.

18 year old

Mary Jo’s Response: I’ve never understood the term “whining.” I believe feelings are real. I think sharing those feelings with others who care about us can ease pain and help us feel less alone. If you remember my classes, you know how much I focus on communication. Sharing is good.

It does sound as if you’re feeling miserable and your miserable feelings are spreading throughout your family. I’m glad your mom told you to call. I’m sorry things are so tough right now. From what you’ve listed, you have plenty of stress. Just ending a relationship can be very stressful.

Making a list of good things helps some people. In your situation, I think the idea might have been more acceptable if you thought of it yourself. It can be very frustrating when someone tells us to “snap out of it” and “feel better.” Thinking positive is great when we’re facing something fairly easy to accept. When stress builds up, as it has in your life, it seldom helps to be told to look on the bright side.

Yes, I think it’s possible your stomach problems are made worse by stress, but I still would like you to see a health care provider. Don’t panic, but take any physical signals your body gives you seriously. There’s a lot of research on the relationship between our gut (our GI or gastrointestinal

system) and our brain. Yes, people can feel nausea and stomach pain from stress. As your stress eases, so may your feelings of sickness. Check things out, just the same.

Your stress will indeed ease, but right now that knowledge doesn’t help much. There’s also a difference between feeling down or moody and depression. Seeking a counselor doesn’t show weakness. Admitting you’re having difficulty coping is a sign of strength.

I don’t mind answering your questions – they’re not too personal. Please know, however, the way one person copes may not help another. I learned to do mindful meditation as a young nurse and it’s something I do every day. That helps. I’m also surrounded by family and friends who support me. That’s huge. I know this may sound strange, but losing my hair and taking chemo weren’t the stressors you may think. It wasn’t fun, but I’m grateful the drugs I needed exist.

Let’s talk again. Until then, please share this column with your mom, ask her if she would support you talking with a counselor, and try not to judge yourself. If a friend came to you with these stressors, I’m sure you’d offer support. It’s OK to ask friends to back you up. It’s OK to feel miserable at times. It’s OK to seek help to feel better.

Take the stressors one step at a time. Some of your worries are intense and need resolved now, and others can be dealt with in small bites. Trust in yourself. You’re a person of worth.

Q. I’m the mom who sent her daughter to you. I apologize. I was at my wit’s end one day and I said, “Call Mary Jo.” I remembered you from when you helped me when I was in high school. I know she has lots of reasons to be stressed, but she is so, so, so miserable. I love her, but she’s tough to live with right now.

Miserable Mom

Mary Jo’s Response: I’m glad you connected. It’s good to be remembered, even if it does make me feel old. No need to apologize. I think your daughter’s stressors are truly challenging her. I suggested she talk with you about counseling. Seeing a counselor doesn’t mean she’s weak and it doesn’t mean you’re not doing your job as a parent. We all need support when stress builds up. Good luck. I’ve heard the saying that we’re only as happy as our unhappiest child. Her misery is making you miserable. I hope you both find a way to ease stress.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.