Nov 5, 2020 5 min read

I’ve had an increase in questions during the pandemic. I attribute the jump to two possibilities – young people have more time on their hands and are lonelier, and, if attending online classes only, teens have lost their in-school safety net of guidance counselors and teachers.

Prior to March, I occasionally revisited a vintage question from the last 15 years. I find it interesting to look at the persistence of some teen concerns. Challenges since the pandemic made me set aside this practice, and this column from Nov. 5, 2015, seemed especially relevant to repeat.

Q. My mom says this is my own fault. Maybe she’s right. I wanted to know what you thought. I was talking with this guy. We just kissed and stuff. Then we broke up. That was in the summer. He’s still posting horrible things about me on social media. He even tweets bad stuff about me. I told my mom, and she called his mom and told him to stop. He did stop for a while but now he’s back. That’s why my mom said this is all my fault. She says I shouldn’t have trusted him in the first place. Here are my questions. How do I make him stop – if you think I can? And how can I tell next time if a guy is going to be a jerk?

13-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Life is full of lessons.

When my adult children were teens I hoped their life lessons would be “inexpensive.” I knew I couldn’t protect them from making mistakes, so I prepared them to be strong when problems arose and hoped the experiences would be valuable lessons.

Whether or not this situation is your fault is not the issue. We all make mistakes. What counts is how we react to trouble. Your challenge is basic – you trusted someone who wasn’t mature enough to move forward after a breakup. It may frighten you, but even adults can react poorly to losing someone.

Being 13 can be rough. My children didn’t need to deal with social media. Your generation’s mistakes are public. I teach sixth through 12th graders, but middle school is more challenging because of other online “public” opportunities for bullying. Posting negative things about a person is cyber-bullying. You’re correct – this should stop. Your safety is a concern. Even if you’re not physically threatened, his conduct is causing you emotional stress.

Your first question is: How do I make him stop?

Here are some ideas:

1. Do not respond to any negative posts. It only makes the harassment continue.

2. Block the person.

3. Unfriend or remove his friends.

4. Keep a record of all harassing contact.

5. Talk with your parents – it may be necessary to involve school administration, law enforcement, or report harassing behavior to the social media site authorities.

Your second question is tougher. Not all people are honest or live with integrity. There’s no magic way to tell if someone is going to “be a jerk” but I can offer some thoughts on protecting yourself:

1. Take it slow: Get to know someone before you “kiss and stuff.”

2. Set boundaries: Know your personal limits and communicate them clearly.

3. Discuss consent: Talk about behavior. Be clear. Share what you want from a dating partner.

4. Watch and listen: Friends may caution you about a potential dating partner. Listen to their words.

5. Take time to grow up: I know it sounds difficult but staying single is a smart choice at 13. Develop friendships, hang out in a group. Relationships can involve drama and drama can take over lives.

6. Notice behavior: People may change as you grow closer. Be aware of – is the person respectful of others?

7. React firmly and quickly to negative behavior: Tell a parent or adult as soon as someone begins harassing you.

Part of adolescence is learning about relationships. Friendships involve trust. Learning which friend to trust and the meaning of a healthy relationship are important tasks. Good luck.

Peer Educator’s Response: Block him, change your account, take a break from social media. There’s no other way to shut him up. You can pretend he’s not bothering you but that’s not likely. Talk with your mom. Tell trusted adults. As to the future – we have no idea how to tell if anyone is going to be a jerk! Good luck!

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.