Reconnecting with an ex can be tricky during a pandemic
Q. I broke up with my high school boyfriend the summer between graduation and college. It really was an amicable break up. We were both going to schools out of state. We were together 14 months and made some great memories senior year, but I really didn’t think I loved him. Then, after we broke up, I cried and cried. We didn’t talk at all until last August. Three years without contact.
Now, we’re both in our hometown. Both of our colleges are online. We’re both living with our parents. I’m isolating with my mom and dad and gramps. Gramps has lung cancer and the rest of us are determined to keep him safe from COVID-19. My ex is serious about masking too. We started talking at the start of the semester. We’re connecting again, but I’m not sure. I know I like him, but I think I’ve changed. I miss my campus. I miss my friends. Seeing people virtually isn’t the same. Am I talking with him because I’m lonely?
I think he’s a lot more interested in getting back together than me, but I keep thinking, how long is COVID-19 going to mess up my life? Is it wrong to kind of lead him on?
21-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: I see two concerns.
Underlying your question about your breakup is your worry for your grandfather. I’m not sure from your email … are you physically isolating with only your immediate family? You don’t say if you’re spending time with your ex or if you remain virtual.
Anyone with whom you interact needs to follow the same guidelines as you and your family. Protecting your gramps sounds important to you. If you’re considering seeing your ex in person, I think a family meeting is in order. The rest of your “pod” needs to know and weigh in.
If you are connecting virtually, of course, there’s no risk.
I think your primary question is one of transparency. Since your feelings are confused, you worry the time you spend with your ex could give him the wrong impression.
Just as I recommend an honest conversation with your family about COVID-19 risks, I think it would be best if you were upfront with your ex. You can share you like him without hesitation, since it is true. You can also share your other feelings: You’re not sure how serious you are. You are worried you might be connecting only because you’re both away from campus and coping with a pandemic. Be up front. If you enjoy each other’s company and are truthful, he has a choice. He can decide if he wants to remain involved. He may be lonely, too.
It sounds as if you’re coping with the pandemic and the changes you’re experiencing. How difficult this college year must be for you. Change can be hard and change outside our control is especially challenging. I don’t know how long we will deal with COVID-19. Try to take it one day at a time. I hope things improve and you can return to campus next semester. Good luck.
Peer Educator Alumni Response: People change from high school to college. Ask yourself if you would be with him if there was no pandemic and you were on campus. Be kind and be honest. On the other hand, give it time. If you’re happy and he’s happy, your relationship may grow. Just don’t pretend to like him more than you do. That’s fake.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.