Dealing with a family divide as holidays approach
Q. I’m not sure there’s an answer to this. I just want to vent.
My family is torn up over Thanksgiving. My uncle, who usually hosts the holiday, wants to hold it like always. There are more than 40 of us. He has a big house, I guess that’s why we always end up there for big meals.
My mom is his sister. She tried to reason with him and said that’s too big a crowd for an indoor event in the middle of a pandemic with numbers rising. I agree with mom. My other aunt is a nurse, and she agrees with my mom too. My grandparents are in their 80s. They also agree. They’ve figured out Zoom. I helped them. It took a while, but they’ve got it now. Gramma and Gramps say they’re happy just seeing us virtually on Thanksgiving. Mom and my aunt say they are one of the biggest reasons we need to be careful. I agree.
My uncle is flat out raving mad. Some of the family, mom has lots of siblings, are siding with my uncle. They plan to get together. Even with some of us staying home, there will be at least 25 there.
It’s not just the fact they my family disagrees. It’s like the election all over again. They disagree with so much hate. My uncle says we’re dead to him. He says anyone who believes this virus is real is not part of his family and he doesn’t want to speak to any of us again.
I’m just a teen and I can see this is no way for a family to act. I’m comfortable with my parents and grandparents and aunt’s decision. I’m OK eating at home with just my immediate family. Do I try to reason with my uncle? My mom said she tried and got nowhere, and I should just let it go.
16-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: I’m glad you felt comfortable sharing. I see two concerns – one is validation for your Thanksgiving decision, and the other is the discord in your family.
Thanksgiving first. Holidays are important, but they are arbitrary days created for celebration. We should be thankful daily, not just on Thanksgiving. Getting together as a family matters a great deal to me, but I will follow guidelines set by scientists and respect the safety of others. I hope to gather with my whole family when times are better. Until then, I will enjoy a meal with them virtually, sharing our love and staying safe. I think your mom, your aunt and your grandparents are wise.
The tension in your family is difficult. It echoes the tension in our nation. Without communication and compromise, I cannot see a way to unity.
Your mom knows your uncle well. If she has stopped trying to connect with him, and suggests you let it go, it may be wise to take her advice. If your heart tells you to continue trying to connect, however, I will not dissuade you. Young people are often able to reach adults in ways other adults cannot. I suggest you first talk with your mom, aunt, or grandparents and share your plans for reconciliation. I wouldn’t make an attempt without their guidance. They may be concerned for your well-being. I am as well.
Some things in life are not in our control. I am hopeful for the future; young people like you give me that hope. For now, enjoy Thanksgiving with your immediate family, Zoom with your grandparents,and be grateful for their presence in your life.
Peer Educator Response: We are tired of all this hate and division. The fact that your uncle refuses to talk with the rest of your family isn’t OK, but it’s on him, not you. You cannot control him. If you want, give it one try, but don’t be discouraged if he doesn’t respond. Sorry you need to deal with this. Happy Thanksgiving! Next year will be better!
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.