Aug 2, 2021 3 min read

It all began with a friend’s search for Pepperidge Farms Pretzel Goldfish crackers, a favorite of her daughter’s. I’m sure you know the snack, available in a variety of flavors, from Original Cheddar to Grahams S’mores, which I can only imagine are aimed at extremely lazy campers.

My friend had searched far and wide at local retail outlets but came away empty handed. So she issued a plea for help on Facebook. I soon discovered that Pretzel Goldfish were sold out almost everywhere online. I’m still not sure exactly why. Maybe the GOP believes that the 7 million-vote margin by which the party’s candidate lost the 2020 presidential election can be accounted for by unregistered Democratic Pretzel Goldfish and so bought them all to thwart a recurrence in 2024.

Alas, my search for what I’m now calling Agnatha Pretzelaurus netted nothing, but it did turn up a few interesting facts.

First, I discovered that Pretzel Goldfish are eighth in popularity among Pepperidge Farms Goldfish eaters in the U.S. and that some are imported from Canada … after they have been caught en masse as they leap up the Red River falls to spawn. Second, online prices for Pretzel Goldfish are all over the place, from a low of $1.79 for a single 8-ounce bag at Target to $224.39 (on eBay, of course) for a box holding 12 trays, each tray containing nine, 1.1 oz. bags of Pretzel and Flavor Blasted Extra Cheddar crackers. One enterprising Amazon reseller was asking $45.01 for a single 8-ounce bag. But I also learned that some deluded eBay users must be hooked on crackers.

For example, here are three listings, which you can easily find for yourself under the pretext of verifying what I write in my columns and not because you hope to buy them and make a million bucks in the lucrative goldfish cracker resale market.

• “Rare & odd double goldfish cracker”: $27 – Two cheddar goldfish, joined nose to tail. Returns not accepted. “Condition is new,” the buyer notes. Because no one would pay $27 for used crackers.
• “RARE Triple Conjoined Goldfish Crackers”: $300 – Three cheddar goldfish, joined in what the listing’s picture shows as the fish in the foreground attempting to take the lead in the seldom-seen “Goldfish 500.” “Meant for the fun,” the seller notes. $7.87 for expedited shipping. Returns accepted.
• “Rare Goldfish Cracker Conjoined Outline”: $499.95 – “Rare find in a goldfish bag purchased from Safeway on 3/30/20,” the seller states. Apparently the seller thinks that a thoroughly documented date of purchase justifies the asking price for this 5-inch strip of cracker left over when the goldfish were separated. “Will be sealed and double boxed. A tracking number will be provided.” Whew! I’d hate to think I’d wasted $500 if the crackers were lost in transit.

Of course this isn’t the first time someone has tried to sell a “collectible” food item on eBay. Back in 2012, a Chicken McNugget that purportedly looked like George Washington in profile sold for $8,100. Proceeds from that auction were to go to charity, but I could find no record of whether the bidder actually paid. Perhaps he backed out after finding a school of Pretzel Goldfish for $7,995.

Spend your money as you see fit, dear readers. But please ignore Gus, that annoying CGI groundhog pitching scratch-off Pennsylvania Lottery tickets on TV.

Why waste your money?

There’s goldfish in them thar hills!