Feb 18, 2021 5 min read

Q. I want my baby back! Up until now, parenting our only child has been a dream. She was an easy baby who slept through the night at 3 months. Toddlerhood was a breeze. I kept waiting for tantrums that never came. As a preschooler, she was fun, bright, and obedient. She loved school from the start.

Now, it’s as if a switch flipped inside her since she turned 12. She’s moody and resistant to our rules. I’ll give you an example. We gave her a phone for her 12th birthday. I refuse to let her be in charge of it. She’s much too young. So, I check it every single day before she goes to bed at her normal 7 p.m. bedtime, then I take it away for the night. She gets it back in the morning, but only if I’m pleased with her texts to friends. She resents my reading her phone, which she calls violating her privacy. She demands I explain what makes me unhappy about her phone use. I can’t always put my finger on it, to be honest. She doesn’t do anything wrong, but it is obvious her relationships with her friends are more important to her than time she spends with us. I resent that.

I don’t understand. I did everything right. I read all the experts. How do I turn back time and regain my easy baby? Oh, and she resists bedtime now, telling me that going to bed at 7 p.m. and adhering to our lights-out, no-out-of-bed rule is ridiculous.

I blame the mess our country has made of this COVID garbage.

– Disappointed parent

Mary Jo’s Response: There are several layers to your concerns. I have an overall message for you – your daughter is no longer a baby, toddler, preschooler or elementary student. Developmentally, she is on the cusp of adolescence. Her task as a teen is reaching for adulthood, seeking independence, and finding her own identity. Your daughter’s moods and emotional changes are typical of young people her age.

Let’s begin with your final statement. As parents, we often look for blame. When your daughter was a baby, you were lucky. Few 3-month-olds sleep through the night. We are called to love unconditionally and seek wisdom as we grow as parents. I’m sure the pandemic has made everyday parenting more challenging but blaming a virus for her attitude is simplistic.

We each develop a parenting style when raising our little ones. When there are challenges to our style, it is normal to feel frustrated. I have some suggestions for connecting with your daughter. I hope you will hear my words with the respect with which I offer them.

Communicate: Communication is a two-way street. It is time to listen to her and really hear her. It is time for her to have input into your rules. It is time to honor the person she is becoming.

Respect: Your example of her behavior with her phone is indicative of a lack of connection. If you felt she was too young for a phone, giving her one just created an ongoing conflict. I suggest written “agreements” or “contracts” with young people when they are given the responsibility of phone use. These mutual agreements should involve a conversation before the phone is given and should include consequences for acceptable use. It is not too late to talk with her and set a better tone for her phone use.

Trust: It does not appear your daughter has violated trust. Privacy expectations should be one of the agreements discussed prior to giving a phone. Reading her texts every single night and judging her makes her anxious. Her anxiety makes her pull away from you emotionally. A pattern of her pulling away will only make adolescence more challenging.

Acceptance: Developmentally, a 12-year-old is learning to get along with her peers. Friendships and relationships are key to your daughter’s growth. Yes, her friends are important. Her love for you remains, but she needs the latitude to develop. It is very typical for a child of her age to reach out socially.

Adjustment: I agree with your daughter. A 7 p.m. “lights-out, no-out-of-bed” bedtime is ridiculous for a 12-year-old. Can you negotiate a later time? Perhaps a chance to read before sleep? Listen to her.

I hope you can find common ground with your daughter. She needs you now as much as she did as an infant. The first step to connecting with her is acknowledging she is no longer a baby. She is a bright young person trying to grow up. We offer many virtual programs for 12- to 14-year-olds at our Common Ground Teen Center. I’ll be happy to welcome her to any of them. Let’s stay connected.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.