Feb 24, 2021 5 min read

Q. I read your last column with great interest. I wish you could talk with our daughter. I’m a grandma to three wonderful grandkids. Our son and his wife have one child and they are great parents. Our daughter is the problem. She has two daughters, 7 and 9. She and her husband run their home like it’s an Army barracks.

I watch the girls three days a week when our daughter works. They’re dropped off at 6 a.m. and I get them ready for school and then pick them up at 2:45 p.m. On remote days, I teach them. My biggest concern is our daughter’s obsession with weight. She makes these small children count calories. They may not have a snack between meals. I understand nutrition and limiting treats, but I fear these tactics are unhealthy. The oldest child calls herself fat – she is not overweight. When I have them, I fix them a nice, healthy breakfast, give them a small mid-morning snack, a balanced lunch and a mid-afternoon snack. They don’t eat dinner until around 7:30 p.m. at home. I won’t lie to our daughter. She knows and lets it go.

Then, there’s homework. Their mom is fixated on getting it done the moment they get home from school. If they’re remote, she insists they take no breaks. One beautiful fall day, I decided to let the girls play outside after school. The older one was so nervous. She kept mumbling that her mom would find out. I insisted they spend 30 minutes playing, brought them inside, made them a snack and sat with them while they did their homework. No harm done, but as soon as their mom came to pick them up, the 9-year-old tearfully confessed they played outside.

Both these sweet girls are anxious. I believed my job as a grandparent was to support my adult children’s parenting decisions, but this is too much. I think I should talk with my daughter. Would you?

Frustrated MeeMaw

Mary Jo’s Response: Parenting styles are a choice and have consequences. Your concerns are valid.

After more than 50 years of experience, psychologists have identified four types of parenting styles. The styles are based on the research of Dr. Diana Baumrind, a clinical psychologist, who hypothesized different parenting styles result in different child development and behavior.

1. Authoritative parents listen to their children and strive to create warm, positive relationships. They discuss consequences for actions in advance. Rules are clear. They validate their children’s feelings. Studies show children of authoritative parents are more likely to become well-adjusted adults with high self-esteem, who can make decisions well.

2. An authoritarian or disciplinarian parent is a “my way or the highway” parent. They focus on rules and are unlikely to negotiate with their children. Blind obedience is key. Children of authoritarian parents may develop self-esteem issues because their voices are not heard. They are more likely to have low social skills.

3. Permissive or indulgent parents set rules, but seldom reinforce them. They follow a “kids will be kids” philosophy and establish a friend role rather than a parent one. Children with permissive parents may struggle academically or in situations where rules must be followed. They may be impulsive or aggressive.

4. Neglectful or uninvolved parents may not be aware of a child’s location or needs. These children receive little attention from their parents. They may ultimately face challenges with drug or alcohol abuse and emotional issues.

Your support for your adult children’s parenting decisions is wise, but it stops when a child is harmed. I am especially troubled by the negative focus on food. Calorie counting with children this young signifies “diet” and can lead to poor body image and low confidence. Modeling nutritional eating and exercise can be a fun activity if a child is taught how to select foods and encouraged to eat in moderation. I am also concerned with your granddaughters’ anxiety. If their relationships with their parents are fear-based now, they are more likely to hide their needs from their parents during adolescence.

In your situation, I would talk with my daughter and her partner. If she knows how you approach meals when you watch her girls, she may be open to discussing her concerns. Try to do so when your grandchildren are not present and offer your thoughts with respect and kindness. You say you wish I could talk with your daughter; I will be happy to do so, listening to her respectfully and without judgment. Just let me know.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.