Sleepless in Pittsburgh
I woke up in the middle of the night.
Side note: The expression, “I woke up in the middle of the night,” is a cliché. If you wake up any time between the time you put your head on the pillow and the time the alarm clock goes off, it is, most likely, in the middle portion.
But I digress, like I do. It was a good thing I woke up. I was having a dream where I was searching for a restroom in an abandoned mall. It’s a common dream for me because I am trying to drink a gallon of water each day. I don’t know what would have happened if I found a urinal.
I got up, used the bathroom and went back to bed. There was only one problem. My body was ready, but my brain was not.
Usually, I am asleep as soon as I throw the comforter over my shoulder. This was not one of those nights.
Either I get the great ideas late at night, or my ideas seem like they’re great because it’s late at night. Either way, the metaphorical lightbulbs were going off. I kept the literal ones off.
The little gray wrinkles under my cranium started obsessing about aphorisms, those pithy little sayings that everyone says but few people examine. At 2 a.m. on a Tuesday, I decided to examine them.
Anyone who said, “Actions speak louder than words,” never had an argument with my dad. His key debate tactic was to increase volume until he won.
I believe it was Ben Franklin who said, “A penny saved is a penny earned.” A penny went further in Franklin’s time. People don’t even pick them up off the street these days.
“Children should be seen and not heard.” But they are at their scariest when you can’t see or hear them.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover,” unless it’s Stephen King.
Anyone who said, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” has never called off work. My boss is surprisingly less fond of me when I call in sick.
“A stitch in time saves nine.” Nine and time don’t rhyme. Ironically, the sentence explaining the expression doesn’t rhyme does rhyme. Go figure. To put the expression in modern vernacular, it simply means, “Don’t ignore that check engine light because you’re in a hurry.”
“The proof is in the pudding.” This one doesn’t make sense to me. Don’t go looking through pudding for proof. It sounds messy.
“Money doesn’t buy happiness.” Wrong! I believe this ancient saying was created by rich people to keep poor people in their lane. Personally, I’m much happier with it than without it.
“Ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking it.” This is exactly the kind of thing that will keep me up all night. How can you know what you don’t know? It’s maddening.
I’m going back to sleep. After all, “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”