Dec 15, 2022 3 min read

Q. Is it wrong for me to want to spend Christmas away from my parents? They divorced when I was 10 and the last five years’ holidays have been horrible. They fight over me. I feel like a pawn in a chess game. They can’t seem to stop hating each other long enough to ask me how I am. I hear how awful my dad is when I’m with my mom and how awful my mom is when I’m with my dad.

My grandparents live in another state. All I want for Christmas is an airplane ticket to go there. I know I will feel peaceful with them. I want a merry holiday. I’m done being their punching bag. I get it, they hate each other. I don’t hate either one of them, which is a miracle! Is it wrong to ask them for this?

-15-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: It isn’t wrong to be honest with your parents. It isn’t wrong to ask them if you can spend the holidays with your grandparents. I would like to help you communicate this with respect. Is that OK?

You say you love both your parents, and you are done being their punching bag. Those are powerful words. They show your maturity and your emotional awareness; they also show your pain.

I hope your parents will hear your message. Remember:

Communicating tough feelings can be scary. It is often easier to pretend all is well than it is to confront a problem. Talking with your parents will take courage. I know you can find it.

Telling the truth is important. Do so with respect. Share how you feel, gently. Do not accuse or focus on the past, but rather tell your parents what you told me. Concentrate on this holiday and your hopes for a peaceful one.

Planning helps. Talk with your parents separately and listen to them. You may not know all that happened in their relationship; they are adults and do not need to share everything with you. However, you have the right to share how uncomfortable you feel when they speak poorly of each other to you. They may not know how much this hurts you.

Finally, I think this situation is bigger than Christmas. I suggest family counseling. If your parents are unwilling to get together, you could meet with each of them and the counselor separately. A neutral counselor could offer your parents healthy ways to co-parent without causing you pain.

You are a person of great worth. Teens in family situations like yours have shared their fear of creating the same type of family when they are older. You do not need to follow your parents’ path. Selecting a partner takes patience, discernment, and the realization of what you want out of a healthy relationship. Choose wisely.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.