Recognizing unsafe adult behavior
Q. Settle an argument for me. My mom says I need to go to my grandparents on Christmas even though my grandfather is disrespectful to me. I’d best describe him as a dirty old man. Ever since puberty, he makes sexual jokes about my body.
I’ve complained to him, to my grandma, and to my mom. Everyone agrees his behavior is inappropriate, but no one does anything about it. When we were there at Thanksgiving, he actually felt me up, right in from of my grandma. I’m finished with him. I hate to be alone on Christmas, but, if my mom insists on going over there, I will stay home and watch TV. Am I right?
– 18-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Not only are you right, there’s a word for your grandfather’s behavior, and it is stronger than inappropriate. You are legally an adult now, but you describe harassment since puberty. That’s not OK.
Underage children cannot give consent for sexual behavior; anything sexual done to them is abuse. I’ve served survivors of child sexual abuse for 50 years. I’m a Darkness to Light Stewards of Children authorized facilitator. Darkness to Light (https://www.d2l.org/) is a nonprofit focusing on child sexual abuse prevention. One of the important topics I teach adults as a facilitator is how to recognize unsafe or grooming adult behavior.
You are now an adult, but consent must still be obtained for any sexual behavior.
Sexual harassment is defined as behavior characterized by the making of unwelcome and inappropriate sexual remarks or physical advances. Your family may dismiss your grandfather’s behavior because it happens at home and not in a workplace or social setting; harassment is never acceptable. Darkness to Light’s research shows that 90% of sexually abused children know their abusers. Protecting your grandfather at your expense is not OK.
Two final things:
Are there younger children in your family? If your grandfather started treating you differently when you hit puberty, and there are other children in your family, it is possible his behavior with them isn’t OK. You can report abuse online at https://www.dhs.pa.gov/KeepKidsSafe/Pages/Report-Abuse.aspx. Your report is anonymous.
Counseling can help ease any traumatic feelings. Nothing that happened was your fault – you did not provoke his behavior by your clothing or actions. Children have no power in abuse situations.
Please let me repeat – this is not your fault. Take care of you. You are worthy of closure and respect.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com