Feb 10, 2022 5 min read

I’ve responded to Valentine’s Day questions many times since I started writing this column in 2005. This edition of the column resonates with the young people I serve. At their request, I’m running it again.

Q. Is it wrong to stay with someone just so I’m not alone on Valentine’s Day? I plan to break up right afterward. My friend said that makes me greedy. It’s not about presents. It’s because I’ve never had a “valentine” before and I really want one. Does that make me greedy?

17-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I wouldn’t call you greedy. Being alone on a holiday can be tough. Being alone on a holiday dedicated to romance can be tougher.

Planning to break up right after Valentine’s Day, however, makes you a dishonest partner. Healthy relationships involve trust. Manipulating a partner is a poor foundation for trust in any kind of healthy relationship.

Have you examined why you plan to end the relationship? Do you simply not get along? Did you only connect with this person because the holiday is near, or do you have history?

No matter the back story, I think you owe this person kindness and respect. How would you feel if your roles were reversed? Is it possible to have a conversation with your partner about friendship, about how you feel about this holiday, and about what you hope will happen on the 14th? Ask how your partner feels? If you cannot picture yourself with this person on Feb. 15, can you dig deep into your moral compass and end this relationship before Valentine’s Day?

Being alone on Valentine’s Day may be challenging but knowing you are avoiding hurting another person is a good feeling. Dating in high school is a trial period for adult relationships. Think about what you want and who you want to be. Choosing to do the right thing is seldom easy. Good luck with your choice.

Peer Educator Alumni Response: As a person who was dumped right after Christmas, when I spent a lot of money on gifts, I think you need to be strong enough to be honest. I’ve gotten over the breakup, but it did make me skeptical about dating again. That lasted a while. Think about how your actions can hurt.

Q. Why does Valentine’s Day bother me so much? I’m not even a teen any longer and I still get all sad when people start posting Valentine’s Day stuff. Stupid holiday anyway.

23-year-old former student

Mary Jo’s Response: Our culture conditions us to feel unworthy if we are not surrounded by romance on Valentine’s Day. Feelings of sorrow can be typical, but I also think we all need to think about what we want in a relationship. Do we want romance on one day, or connection and friendship to help us grow in the future?

People often post the best aspects of their lives on social media. Try not to be taken in. No one knows another person’s true feelings unless they are shared with transparency, and social media is not a transparent place.

May I suggest gathering with friends on Valentine’s Day? You are not alone in your feelings. Our Common Ground Teen Center is holding a Valentine’s “bash” where we’ll discuss the holiday and its influence on relationships. You could join us as a mentor. Just let me know.

I asked young people how they felt about Valentine’s Day:

• It’s just a day to make the card, candy and flower industries make money;
• I like my “Valentine” and we’ve been together for two years. I look forward to being fussed over on this day;
• Valentine’s Day isn’t about love, it’s about showing off the person you’re with and acting like your life is better than everyone else’s;
• You don’t need love as long as you love yourself;
• I like to have fun with friends on holidays, no matter which one;
• I loved making and giving Valentine’s Day cards when I was a kid;
• Some of us are writing Valentine’s Day cards to kids in hospitals. That’s a good kind of love.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.