Feeling alone is about connection, not the number of people around us
Q. I’m so lonely but you’d never know it to see me. I’m always making other people laugh. It’s like I’m the life of the party. At school, I hang out with lots of groups and get along with all of them. If someone was asked about me, I’m pretty sure I’d be described as happy.
I’m “fine,” you know?
I like being the center of attention. I like leading learning teams at school. I’m on social media a lot and I pile up likes. It’s not that I’m depressed. I’m not. I’m just lonely. No one really knows me. Is it possible to feel alone when with a lot of people?
17-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Absolutely. Feeling alone is about connection, not the number of people around us.
Each of us is unique. For some, having one or two good friends is ideal; others enjoy the company of many people. You seem to gravitate to leadership and groups. You may be an extrovert. An extrovert recharges with others; an introvert refuels in private. Your personality may lead to the behavior of an extrovert, but you still feel alone because, although you’re with many people, you do not feel connected to any.
You’re not alone.
A 2020 book by former surgeon general Dr. Vivek Murthy looked at what he called, “an epidemic of loneliness.”
“Together: The Healing Power of Human connection in a Sometimes Lonely World,” reported studies showing more than 20% of adults admit to sometimes feeling lonely. You put on a happy face and appear to be “fine” but long to connect with people who really see you.
Knowing you’re not the only person who feels lonely may help, but I want to suggest ways to connect. My words are only a guide. You know yourself. Reaching out to me tells me you are ready to make a change. Here are some ways you can:
Start a private conversation:
- Look for one or two people with whom you share common interests and talk with them;
Nurture relationships:
- Follow up with those conversations. Connect. Ask others how they feel. Build trust with a few;
Listen:
- Everyone needs a “good listening to” – when we take the time to hear others, we connect;
Find a way to volunteer:
- When we offer our time and energy to others, it is easier to feel seen. We receive when we give;
Be transparent:
- It’s OK to share how you feel with someone you trust. It’s OK to be vulnerable.
Being the life of the party may be your safe space; you don’t need to be untrue to your nature. Add a few close relationships to your outgoing personality and your loneliness will ease.
Finally, our Common Ground Teen Center, at 92 N. Main Street, Washington, is open from 4 to 8 p.m. Monday through Friday. I think you would love the teens who attend. We host Cooking Club, Art Club, Peer Education, Book and Writer’s Club, D & D and Games Night. Teens run the Center; they are accepting, kind and respectful. I think you would love it there! Good luck!
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.