Adjusting to emerging adulthood
Q. My first year of college went fast and well. I have a great GPA, made a lot of friends, and surprised myself by adjusting beautifully. In short, I loved college. I’m home for the summer. I love my family, but they are so overprotective. I was only home for holidays since last August, which means I’ve been on my own for a long while. Now, my dad wants me in at 11 at night. My mom wants me to text her two and three times a day when I’m at work. If I want to go out with friends, they act like I’m 15. If this doesn’t change, next year I will find a job on campus and just stay there. Some of my friends stay at school. I didn’t understood why but now I do. I’m responsible and try to do the right thing. I’m also sure I’m not the only person my age who feels this way. Please print this in your column and tell parents to trust us. Give a little. You might be pleasantly surprised by how mature your kids can be. Thanks, Mary Jo! – 20-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: It is my pleasure to print your email.
You said something real when you suggested your parents aren’t the only ones dealing with change. Change is a challenge. Your parents, and all parents in their situation, are facing one of the biggest changes in life – their children’s emerging adulthood.
I’m going to try to help you imagine a situation outside your life experience. I have faith in your logic and kindness. I know you will “get'”what I’m sharing and respect my words.
Have you witnessed a birth? As a nurse, childbirth educator, and birth doula, I have witnessed many. Birth in real life isn’t like most movies. One moment there’s a lot of noise and pushing and then – wow, there’s a slippery infant the color of faded denim. Watching the baby take first breaths is an experience like no other. Once, 20 years ago, your parents held you moments after your birth. I guarantee they remember.
When a baby is born, the most incredible job in the world begins. A tiny human is suddenly a parent’s responsibility. Keeping this newborn alive and healthy, nurturing a newly developing self, providing safety and guidance, learning what this baby needs to thrive – these are a new parent’s assignments.
Parents learn “on the job.” No baby is born with an instruction manual. All parents make mistakes; the best parents learn from their errors and admit their failings to their children. Those parents know their example teaches more than their words, so they live the best lives they can as models for their babies.
When your mom and dad look at you, they see a wonderful 20-year-old who has successfully navigated a major step in reaching for adulthood. I am sure they are proud. They also see that newborn. They picture you as a toddler, when they not only laughed with you, played with you, and taught you, but also protected you. They visualize you start school. They imagine you as a teen. One of their biggest jobs was safeguarding you. It can be hard to lower their guard.
It’s easy for parents to forget their children are old enough to be on their own. It’s easy for them to slip into the patterns of parenting they used when their young adult offspring were young teens. It’s easy for them to assume college students need the same level of supervision they did before they left for school.
You’re correct. You handled yourself well since September. I hope you can have some empathy for your parents’ worries.
Parents, I hope you can recognize your young adult is no longer a child. Honor and respect the person they’ve evolved into in the last year.
You and your parents are worthy. Talk with each other. Communication works.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.