Adults’ words matter
Q. My mom says I have low self-esteem. I say it’s hard to feel good about myself when she’s always putting me down. Actually, I don’t tell her that, but I want to. My older sister is always better than me. I hear it all the time. Why can’t you be like your sister? My mom says this nearly every day. I don’t like the things my sister likes. I like art and music and she’s a jock. That doesn’t mean I’m worthless, right? Her boyfriend is the “best guy ever” and mine is ‘”not to be trusted” and “just like your dad.” We’re two years apart and we have different dads. My sister’s dad died before she was born, and my dad left my mom, so I get Mom’s had a hard time, but taking it out on me isn’t fair, is it? Mom says we look like our dads. Mom says my sister’s dad was “the love of her life,” and my dad was “the jerk who got me pregnant and left.” I hate it here.
– 16-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: You’re right. Your mom has had a difficult time. You’re also right – it isn’t fair for her to take her life challenges out on you. You are worthy. You’re not your dad. Have you tried talking with her? What do you think would happen if you tell her how you feel? She may not know how much her words hurt.
Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves. Low self-esteem makes us compare ourselves unfavorably with others. In your situation, an adult in your life is making those comparisons for you. Each person has an inner strength; finding that core of resilience is part of growing up. In situations like yours, the support you need to grow to self-acceptance isn’t in your immediate family. You will need to seek support from others.
Self-esteem needs to be dripped into a child throughout life. Adults’ words matter, as do the music behind their words (the tone accompanying the message). Children grow to self-acceptance slowly, every day, bit by bit, through genuine affirmations.
It may help to think about those who do support you and honor your worth. I do an exercise I call The Boat with young people. Draw a boat on a piece of paper. Decide the boat’s destiny. Is it a short trip or a long journey? Place yourself on the boat. Are you alone or with others? Who would you choose to help you sail? List the people in your life who affirm you. Where do you place yourself on the boat? Are you steering – in charge – or are you a passenger without power? How can you take control of your boat?
Your life is yours to live. Make positive changes. Listen to others and learn from them. Believe in yourself. Use your art and music to help you express your feelings. Choose positive friends. Connect with teachers at school who respect you. Take care of your mental and physical health. Eat well and exercise. Have faith in yourself.
Change can be hard, but it can also be empowering. Find a safe space where you can be yourself and know you are accepted. Our Common Ground Teen Center can be that space. We are planning a youth Arts Day on June 29. You could showcase your art. Remember, you are worthy just as you are. Self-esteem can grow with time. You can do this!
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.