Advocating on behalf of youth
Q.I had you for class in the 1990s and I am still asking you questions! I’m not married and have no children. My brother has one son who matters a great deal to me. He’s a great kid. Bright, takes all the AP classes, wonderful athlete, just 16. I know I’m a little biased in his behalf, but he truly is an amazing person. My question deals with how much I should get involved in something that’s bothering me. I know my brother always wanted to be great at football, but he never did well. My nephew is a star on his high school team. I think my brother lives vicariously through his son’s football career. Which is pretty much common, I guess, except I know my nephew really wants to be a writer. He’s written short stories and poetry that’s really good. He doesn’t hide it from his dad, but my brother makes fun of him, calls him “sissy” and tells him to focus on playing ball, because that’s where his future lies. I want to intervene. I want to sit my brother down and tell him the best way to be a good dad is to leave his son alone and let him be whomever he is. Is it my place to do this? – Worried aunt
Mary Jo’s Response: How wonderful to know your nephew has such a strong advocate in you!
It is possible for a parent to live vicariously through their children. Even when children select their parents’ areas of interests on their own, albeit with encouragement and direction, it is healthy to have a conversation with a teen where parental pressure can be discussed and eased. In your situation, your brother may not acknowledge what’s happening.
It is also possible to be a great athlete and a great writer. Life is short. More than one interest as a teen is not only fun, pursuing many activities is a positive way to prepare for adulthood.
Cultural currency describes what matters in a culture. Our family is our first, most powerful culture. The cultural currency in your brother’s home is sports. He seems unable to find worth in your nephew’s love for writing. I am troubled by your brother mocking your nephew. Even if he does not value writing or poetry, it is not OK for a father to put down something that matters to his son. Name-calling is not part of healthy parent/child relationships.
I suggest you go to the source of your angst for an answer to your question. Talk with your nephew. Begin by affirming him. Tell him how much you value him and appreciate his talent, on the football field and in writing. Show genuine interest in his creative work. Then, share your concerns. Ask him if he wants you to speak with his dad. Assure him of your commitment to him as his aunt. You are his advocate. Listen to him. If he wants to avoid a confrontation with his father, tell him how you feel. Do not go behind his back and speak to his father without his knowledge. Respect him.
Perhaps he will combine his love for football with his love of writing. He wouldn’t be the first athlete to write a book or compose poetry. Here are a few author/athletes: Authors Roald Dahl (“Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”), Stephen Crane (“The Red Badge of Courage”), Ken Kesey (“One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”), Jack Kerouac (“On the Road”), and Albert Camus (“The Stranger”) were all athletes.
Please continue encouraging your nephew. Our Common Ground Teen Center hosts an Arts Night on June 29th from 6 to 8 p.m. Your nephew is welcome to read his poetry or do spoken word in a safe space. The Center is at 92 N. Main Street. The public is invited.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.