Helping victims of bullying
Q. I appreciated your column on bullying last week. I especially enjoyed the way you asked teens their opinions. I was bullied as a boy and now my son is being bullied. I was a chubby kid who didn’t play sports and was made fun of for my size. My son is small and thin, but the other boys in his class call him nasty words for being gay. I don’t know if he is gay or not and it doesn’t matter to me. He’s my son, gay or straight. He’s 14.
I hate the way these kids are not disciplined for treating him badly. He says a few teachers even laugh when he is called names. My son is brave. He told me I can talk with his teachers. I’m proud of him. When I was bullied, I didn’t tell my parents. My dad was a bully himself. I knew he would not be my champion. I didn’t tell anyone. I just suffered in silence. High school was horrible. I’m not like my father. I want to support my son. I’m glad he told me. How can I be there for him?
– Father of bullied son
Mary Jo’s Response: I hold space with you as you process the trauma of your youth. By holding space, I honor you and respect you. I will be happy to continue our connection and chat.
You are already there for your son. You accept him. You listen to him. You offer him a safe, trusted adult who is his advocate. Let’s talk about how to make his life easier.
Bullying is often misunderstood. Dr. Dan Olweus, a pioneer in bullying prevention, defines bullying as occurring when someone repeatedly and on purpose says or does mean or hurtful things to another person who has a hard time defending him or herself.
Some schools think hosting an assembly or a class on bullying will stop this type of behavior, but few young people who bully will change because of such an effort. A systemic approach, affecting the whole school, is the best way to prevent bullying.
I am an Olweus Bullying Prevention (OBPP) Certified Trainer. The Olweus program is the only evidenced-based bullying prevention intervention with solid data proving its effectiveness. OBPP is enacted throughout a school, from the bus drivers through the maintenance workers, cafeteria workers, teachers, students, and administration. In a high school, weekly teen meetings are held and a student advisory board is created to help young people own the message. Bystanders are people who observe bullying behavior and are passive. OBPP teachers bystanders to react with respect. Teachers are taught responses to bullying behavior; consequences are established and maintained.
Sadly, OBPP takes consistent effort; after the training, which is typically grant-covered, the program may lose intensity. I mention it because I want to reinforce there are no easy fixes for bullying behavior; there are no quick Band-Aids to make things better.
In your son’s situation, there’s a second concern. Bullying targeting sexual orientation may be tolerated by some adults in charge. Young people who are different are targets for bullying – that includes body size, young people with a disability, and differences in race, belief system, or gender/sexuality. You’re correct – it doesn’t matter if your son is gay; he is being bullied because of how he is perceived. Advocating for your son will mean you will need to speak with administration. It will mean you need to address the school’s overall philosophy of acceptance.
I support your efforts and will be happy to strategize ways to approach your school. Here are some hints:
1. Affirm your son. You already took the first and most important step by listening to him and believing him. Accept his worth and reaffirm it. Research shows how vital a supportive parent can be for young people, particularly those who may be questioning their sexuality. Those who bully your son have no insight into his sexual identity, but he needs to hear you articulate what you told me. He is your son, gay or straight.
2. Advocate with administration: Bullies can be teachers, too. A “teacher bystander” is one who ignores hurtful behavior or secretly agrees with the students who bully. These type of adults make it easy for young people to bully. They need to be called out for their lack of support for your son and their failure to protect him.
3. Model respect to your son’s classmates: Your support will be very positive. If other students know you accept your son and honor his worth, they will know they cannot hurt him through you.
4. Find a safe space: Your son deserves a safe space to learn. If your efforts to advocate for him at his current school fail, consider another environment if feasible. Your son’s input in this is key. He should feel safe sharing his feelings with you.
If you are local to the Washington area, I suggest our Common Ground Teen Center for socialization. We are at 92 N. Main Street in Washington and are open Monday through Friday from 4 to 8 p.m. All young people are accepted and respected.
Good luck and please stay in touch.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.