Let’s not go to the movies
The big studios want to get you back in the seats at the local cineplex. Despite a global pandemic, producers can’t seem to figure out why we aren’t planting our butts in their newly refurbished recliners and buying popcorn. The studios need to face our breakup with dignity. They need to take a cold, hard look at themselves and say, “It’s not you – it’s me.”
At the risk of sounding like Jon Lovitz’s curmudgeonly critic, Jay Sherman, these movies stink!
A few months ago, I laughed so hard at a movie trailer, I fell off the couch. It was a late-night commercial for “Pig” with Nicholas Cage. If you haven’t heard about this film, strap in. A truffle hunter who lives alone in the Oregon wilderness must return to Portland in search of his beloved foraging pig after she’s been kidnapped. Maybe kidnapped is the wrong word. Piglet-napped? Hog-robbed? Pig-plundered? Swine-snatched?
When you can’t tell if the movie trailer is a “Saturday Night Live” skit, you might want to rethink your film.
Yesterday, I saw a story in Variety furthering the travesty. Nicolas Cage wants to know why “Pig” was snubbed by the Academy Awards. I imagined the response from the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences went like this: This little piggy went to the Oscars and came home with none. This little Nicky cried, “Wee, wee, wee,” all the way home.
Liam Neeson has a new film coming out called “Memory.” Here’s the elevator pitch: An assassin-for-hire finds out that he’s become a target after he refuses to complete a job for a dangerous criminal organization. That sounds great. There’s a twist. He’s struggling with memory loss. It’s based on a Belgium film called … wait for it…”De zaak Alzheimer.”
You don’t need a Google Translator to figure out that this film is a bad taste buffet. I don’t want to be insensitive to people who have loved ones struggling with dementia, Alzheimer’s or any other mental impairment due to aging, but what the actual heck?!
It’s impossible NOT to make fun of it. My friend Bill, in his best imitation of Liam Neeson, called out in a gruff, Irish brogue, “Did I shoot that guy? Was I supposed to shoot that guy? Where is my gun, anyway?” Half the movie is watching Neeson walking into rooms going, “What did I come in here for?”
I blame Liam Neeson for Nic Cage’s porcine thriller. If Neeson wasn’t running around looking for his disaster-prone daughter in those “Taken” movies, “Pig” would never have been made.
But I digress, like I do. Sequel-itis is also running rampant in Hollywood. The latest Spider-Man movie had all three Spider-Men (Spiders-Men?) in it, and we’re on our 19th Batman. There’s even going to be a second Sonic the Hedgehog movie. Luckily, they’re using the same hedgehog.
Nothing is luring me back to the multiplex, and I’m not finding inspiration in any of the upcoming choices. But, as always, I remain hopeful.