May 9, 2022 4 min read

Humans love to make lists. Honey-do lists. Enemies lists. Best of; worst of. In fact, we love lists so much that in 1977, “The Book of Lists” (BOL) became a bestseller, its popularity spurred in part by some libraries banning it because it included lists of a sexual nature that some deemed offensive. Other lists were just plain quirky: “People suspected of being Jack the Ripper”; “People Misquoted by Ronald Reagan.”

You’d think that almost two years in COVID lockdown would have made authors start compiling new lists to be published, but the most current BOL edition appeared in 2005, meaning mankind has been listless for 17 years. I intend to rectify this in today’s column. Here are some lists I’d like to see:

The Worst Reasons for Getting a Tattoo and, a corollary, The Worst Areas of the Body on Which to Be Tattooed

• People Who Have Challenged Mike Tyson to Fight on an Airliner
• Other People Will Smith Would Like to Slap
• People Who Would Like to Slap Will Smith
• The Names of the 15 Men on a Dead Man’s Chest
• Pittsburghers Who Believe That the Pirates Might Win the World Series This Decade
• Americans Who Contend That No One Can Tell Them to Wear a Face Mask but Insist that Women Should Not Be Permitted to Control Their Own Bodies
• The Best Quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants
• Politicians Who Have Made Promises They Did Not Intend to Keep
• The Brand Names of the 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
• Things Your Mother Warned You about That Turned Out To Be True
• Things Your Mother Just Made Up to Scare You into Behaving
• Anything Truthful Said by Vladimir Putin
• Girls Who Were Ugly Ducklings in High School but Turned into Knockouts within Five Years of Graduation
• Guy Who Were Athletic in High School but Had Gained 75 Pounds of Belly Fat within Five Years of Graduation
• Members of the Rolling Stones Who Do Not Look Mummified
• Appliances That Break Down One Day After the Extended Warranty Expires
• Things You Shouldn’t Have Said When You Were Drunk
• Things You Shouldn’t Have Said When You Were Sober
• The Names of the People You’ve Said Looked “Ancient,” Then Found Out That They Are 10 Years Younger Than You
• The Home Addresses of People Who Slow to a Stop Before Turning Right into a Driveway
• All the People You Thought You Recognized but Who Turned Out to Be Complete Strangers When You Talked to Them
• Recipes Your Grandmother Said Were Passed Down Through Generations But That Are Actually Found on the Back of a Box of Oats
• Rock Songs Whose Lyrics You Sing Incorrectly
• Instances When Jean-Luc Picard Said, “Engage!”
• Exercise Equipment You Bought but Used Only A Few Times
• People Who Might Have Put the “Bomp” in the “Bomp Pa Bomp Pa Bomp”
• All the “Shortcuts” That Actually Take Longer Than the Main Route
• People Who Have Been Called “The Fifth Beatle”
• Columnists Who, Stuck for an Idea, Compile a List of Lists