Considering relationships with mature eye
Q. I feel for my mom. My parents split when I was a little kid and I spend half the time with my mom and half with my dad. Dad has had a lot of girlfriends over the years. When I was little, I sometimes called these women “mommy,” which hurt my mom. I get that now. She’s never put my dad down or stopped me from spending time with him. My dad doesn’t trash my mom either.
Dad just asked his latest girlfriend to marry him. He asked me to be his best man. I don’t know how to tell my mom about that. I fear she will be hurt, but I do love my dad. When I was about 10, I went through a period of time when I was mad at him. Why didn’t he love my mom? He loved her enough to marry her and have me, so I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t stay in love with her and stay with us. Now that I’m older, I’ve had a girlfriend and we broke up. I realize there’s more to a relationship than attraction. I liked my girlfriend but after a while, we couldn’t communicate. Maybe my dad and mom were like that. They were young when I was born. Maybe they just grew apart.
I love my mom like crazy and she’s been there for me every single day of my life. I will leave for college next year. I wish she had someone, too. Thanks for listening. Do you think I should be my dad’s best man?
– 17-year old
Mary Jo’s Response: I am so pleased you shared your thoughts.
Yes, if you feel you should be your dad’s best man, then you should. It is an honor and an important part of your dad’s life. I think you should talk with your mom before accepting the role. Listen to her. Hear her. Your decision needs to consider her feelings. It sounds as if she will respect your choice.
It seems you’ve thought a lot about your parents’ divorce. You’re considering relationships with a mature perspective. Excellent.
Let’s talk about relationships:
1. When parents split, it is never a child’s fault. Adults make adult decisions. Children can be caught in the fallout. You did nothing to cause your parents’ divorce.
2. Your parents decided to be respectful to one another. Shared custody is much easier when adults remember each person is worthy. I’m glad.
3. As you grew, your insight helped you see how calling other people mother was hurtful to your mom. You matured as you grew older. Well done. Have you shared how you feel with your mom? It might bring her joy to know.
4. You said you wish your mom had someone, too. It’s possible your mom is happy and fulfilled without marrying again. Please do not assume she is unhappy. Many people are single and content. Talk with her.
5. Relationships are complicated. I think teen relationships are learning experiences, where we figure out what we want in a partner. You’re correct – A healthy relationship is more than attraction, although attraction is important.
6. People who marry young may have long-lasting relationships. Perhaps you could talk about your parents’ relationship with them as you mature.
Good luck to you and to your mom and dad. May college be all you hope it will be.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.