Healing from trauma takes time
Q. When your boyfriend wants to do sexual things and you say no, then they get mad and guilt you into it, is it bad to not want to talk about it with anyone? I think about it a lot and I just want it to go away. I feel sad all the time. – 13-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Thank you for trusting me.
There are many layers to your situation. I will answer your question first. Not wanting to talk after something bad happens to us is normal. It is difficult to talk about what hurts us because we often relive the experience when we share. You think about it a lot and want it to go away because what happened was traumatic, which means it was emotionally or physically hurtful and lingers in your mind. You keep replaying it and are sad.
Healing from trauma takes time. Even if it is difficult, talking about what happened can help. You started talking about it when you shared with me, so you already took the first step to finding a safe space to share your story.
When someone guilts another person into doing sexual things after being told no, it is not OK. The age of consent in Pennsylvania is 16, which means you are underage and considered too young to say yes to sex. If your boyfriend is four years older than you, sex is considered statutory rape, even if you consent (say yes).
Even if your boyfriend is the same age as you or less than four years older than you are, I am troubled by the way he treated you. No means no. He was wrong to get mad. He was wrong to pressure you. Healthy relationships happen when two people respect each other. In a healthy relationship, “no” is accepted without anger or guilt.
You deserve a healthy relationship.
It’s important for us to continue talking. We don’t need to talk about this situation, but it is important to stay connected. You matter to me. It’s OK to want to limit how many people know what happened, but I strongly suggest you talk with a trusted adult in your family. If you like, I will be happy to meet with your parent or another family member and help you share. It’s up to you. Remember, you are worthy. What happened was not your fault.
Peer educator response: No, it’s not bad to not want to talk about it, because no one should force you to talk about trauma. You should talk about it with someone you trust, but on your own time.
Mary Jo’s follow-up: I was able to meet with this young person and a parent. Counseling was arranged. Her boyfriend is the same age. His parents are now involved and he is also seeing a counselor. Both parents took the situation seriously and are supportive.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.